A B- Beatdown

A B- Beatdown

QIC: Zima

Date: 6/19/18

PAX: Hedwig (shockingly WB), Thistle (WD, of course), Mutton, Roosevelt, Pita, TPS, Cherry Tree, Shingles, Root Canal, Zima (QIC)

What: Flatline

When: June 19, 2018

Where: First Presbyterian Parking Lot

Who: Hedwig (shockingly WB), Thistle (WD, of course), Mutton, Roosevelt, Pita, TPS, Cherry Tree, Shingles, Root Canal, Zima (QIC)

05:19:37    Pita arrives.  Phew. The streak of Site Qs bailing on Zima-led beatdowns is broken.  Maybe Pita never got the memo.

05:20:13    Pita emerges from his truck wearing a pair of workout shorts that would make John Stockton proud.

05:21:10    What the hell is Pita doing behind his truck?

05:21:38    Zima and Pita compare … truck sizes.

05:21:56    Shingles arrives.

05:22:16    Mystery solved.  Well this will be an interesting morning.  Pita has a dead hog in a cooler in the back of his truck (because, of course he does).

05:23:54    Cherry Tree arrives.  Has Pita assumed ER recruiting duties from Toe Tag?

05:24:24    Roosevelt arrives.

05:24:30    Mutton arrives.

05:24:34    Pita admits he doesn’t read Zima’s tweets.

05:25:07    Thistle and Root Canal arrive.

05:25:24    Discussion over whose workout would be easier, Zima’s or Lite Brite’s.  How has this discussion lasted for more than 1.5 seconds?

05:26:10    The Q assures Thistle that the workout would be easy.

05:25:41    Hedwig arrives — in a car.  Well that’s strange. He didn’t run 17 miles before the beatdown?

05:26:48    Congratulations/Condolences given to Hedwig on his recent nuptials (and 16th birthday yesterday).

05:26:58    Hedwig announces/demands that we will do a Birthday Murphday later this week!

05:27:38    Note: Don’t marry into Hedwig’s family.  He makes his in-laws (yes, even his mother-in-law) do Murphs with him.

05:28:20    TPS arrives.

05:29:59    Pita, the Site Q, thinks he’s being funny and asks if we can warm up.  Editor’s note: The only rule for Flatline is constant high tempo movement.  Nowhere in the by-laws does it say anything about not warming up. It is Fake News spread by the liberal F3 Winston-Salem media that warm ups are not allowed.  But any Q willing to go out on a limb and try a warm up can expect ceaseless mocking and mumble chatter.

05:30:00    Start the watch.  By the way, we’re not warming up.  Zima gives a heartfelt welcome message.

05:30:15    The PAX line up on the parking spaces facing the Q.  Mountain Climbers x 20 IC (slowly).

05:31:18    Low Flutter x 20 IC (slowly).

05:32:10   Mountain Climbers x 20 IC (fastly).

05:32:24    PAX wonder if we’re going to make it out of the parking lot.

05:32:35    Thistle asks, “Please don’t do those arm swirly things.  I hate those,” in an apparent weak effort to trick the Q.

05:32:56    Low Flutter x 20 IC (fastly).

05:33:42    PAX leave the safety of the parking lot.

05:34:45    Hedwig brags about all the gelato he ate while on his honeymoon.

05:35:14    PAX arrive at Corpening Plaza and assume the plank position.  The Q explains the Merkin 8 Ball (with Box Jumps). “Aye”.

05:35:52    Everybody shuffles a bit.  We’re being attacked by 9-foot killer ants (or at least that’s how we’ll tell the story later on), definitely not the ¼ inch kind.  They were messing up our workout.

05:35:57    Diamond Merkins x 5 IC (unintelligible yapping begins, probably from Thistle and/or Root Canal).  Box Jumps x 10 OYO.  Plank when done.

05:36:51    Ranger Merkins x 5 IC (silence from Thistle).  Box Jumps x 10 OYO.  Plank when done.

05:37:40    Chuck Norris Merkins x 5 IC (Oh geez. Thistle runs his mouth again.  Rest of the PAX are eerily silent, not even counting along anymore.).  Box Jumps x 10 OYO.  Plank when done.

05:38:42    Hand Release Merkins x 5 IC.  Box Jumps x 10 OYO.  Plank when done.

05:39:36    Tempo Merkins x 5 IC.  Box Jumps x 10 OYO.  (Pax wonder if they can still make it Parliament with Lite Brite)  Plank when done.

05:40:24    Crucible Merkins x 5 IC (for Pita, who predictably cheers … loudly).  (The Q is getting some not-so-nice stares and groans from the PAX, even the newer guys.  Sheesh. We’re only 10 minutes in.) Box Jumps x 10 OYO.  Plank when done.

05:41:15    Wide Merkins x 5 IC (PAX are now just loudly grunting in the general direction of the Q).  Box Jumps x 10 OYO.  Plank when done.

05:42:12    Merkins x 5 IC (The Q announces this is the last set and you would have thought it was already COT time with all of the prayers being shouted and invocations of the Lord’s name.  Oh sure, now everyone can speak). Box Jumps x 10 OYO.  Plank when done.

05:43:24    Moseying to next destination.  Hedwig tells us that he did a few short runs on his honeymoon in Venice – 16 miles (excuse me, shouldn’t that be in kilometers?) at once, on purpose; and 10 miles.  “You know there are boats, like everywhere?”

05:44:05    PAX arrive at the intersection of Second Street and Town Run Lane for the crown jewel of the workout.  Plank while the Q explains what will happen next.  At the intersection, the PAX will do ascending WWIIs, starting at 2 reps and increasing by 2 each time.  At each light pole, the PAX will do descending Burpees, starting at 18 reps and decreasing by 2 at each successive pole. So, start with WWIIs and run to the first light pole.  Do the Burpees and then run back to the intersection. Do the WWIIs and run to the second light pole. Continue back-and-forth until the last light pole at the intersection of Third Street and Town Run Lane.  If the Q’s math is correct, there should be 9 light poles for 90 WWIIs and 90 Burpees.

05:44:45    Pita asks if we can sprint between poles.  Yes, Pita. Yes you can. He didn’t.

05:44:58    Apparently Town Run Lane is busier than the Q remembers as we had to dodge a few cars almost immediately who didn’t seem to appreciate the idea of a bunch of dudes lying in the middle of the road.

05:45:16    Roosevelt was so excited, he speeds off and tries to skip the first pole.  And to think, he almost got away with it.

05:45:33    Unidentified PAX wishes he read the Q’s tweet from the previous night about not showing up the workout.  Other PAX audibly concurred. I think the new guys are catching on.

05:46:19    Franchise Signs International’s Employee of the Month expresses his longing for the company President.  Translation: I wish I had gone to Parliament.

05:47:02    At this point, the mumble chatter understandably draws to an extreme minimum.  It’s time to listen in on what went on in the Q’s head.

05:48:23    Roosevelt is coming the opposite way.  That dude is pushing it. Give him a High Five.  Oh, DENIED! That’s OK, maybe he didn’t see me.

05:52:12    Mutton is way ahead of everyone else.  How did Mutton get so far ahead?  That man is a machine. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t waste his energy babbling at the Q.  Some of you other jabronis should take note.

05:52:16    And look at Root Canal.  He’s gaining some ground on Mutton.  #MajorRespect.

05:53:48    Here comes Roosevelt again.  Let’s try the Medium Five thing this time.  Success. Sweet!

05:56:03    I can hear Thistle yammering on in the background somewhere, but I’m ignoring him.  How can he talk so much? His mouth must not be connected to the rest of his body.

05:56:19    What the hell is Pita yelling about this time?  He’s loud. Does anyone live within a half mile of this place?  Is he trying to wake up someone in Kernersville? What is hunting with him like?  What’s his bedside manner like as a doctor? Is there such a thing as good doctor / bad doctor, you know, like cops?  Is that what he and Hedwig do? If he had a reality show, would it be on PBS or Viceland?

05:57:08    Shingles, hmm.  Never worked out with him before.  That’s an interesting nickname. Shingles?  I wonder which kind. Nevermind. I don’t want to know.

05:57:17    I wonder if I can trust Cherry Tree.  (Get it? I crack myself up.)

05:58:46    Time check.  Take an assessment of where everyone is.  Haven’t seen TPS in a while. Where is he?  Oh, there he is. Is he even sweating? He doesn’t even look tired.  He’s knocking out those burpees.

06:01:36    Time to slow down Mutton.  After the last set of 18 WWIIs at the intersection, do Mountain Climbers and Low Flutters until the Six is up, then we’ll all run up Town Run Lane together to do the final 2 Burpees.

06:03:58    Roosevelt and Pita want none of this waiting around stuff and take off up Town Run Lane.  The rest of PAX wisely decide to follow the big men.

06:04:25    Thistle wants to get a special Zima edition F3 Winston-Salem t-shirt with the sleeves cut off, but doesn’t think MudGear makes arm holes small enough for him.  His words, not mine.

06:04:53    Hedwig informs YHC that he only gives the beatdown a B- because we didn’t do Partner Carries between the light poles.  YHC quickly retorts that he was free to carry Pita. And by golly, the pint-sized M.D. did just that. Pita hopped on and the little guy carried him for a good 30 yards at least.

06:05:26    All PAX do final 2 Burpees together and mosey up Third Street.

06:06:12    PAX arrive at Winston Square Park and stumble upon two citizens who were, uh, uh, probably camping under the stars.  Undeterred by the hoard of sweaty dudes invading their slumber, they kept right on sleeping while we worked out. Plank while the Q explains the next set of exercises.  At the bottom of each staircase, do 5 Hand Release Clap Mike Tysons.  Run up the stairs.  Do 10 Squats.  Run down the stairs and repeat at the next staircase to the right.

06:06:36    Someone (perhaps Cherry Tree?) asked for clarification on the Hand Release Clap Mike Tysons and was immediately chastised by the rest of the PAX.  It’s amazing how harmonizing a group of grunts and groans can be.

06:08:12    Q is doing squats at the top level of Winston Square Park and surveying the scene.  What the heck?  What is wrong with these people?  Do they not know their right from their left?  Why is everyone running into each other. Oh wait, I see.  I guess “right” and “left” were dependent on which direction they were facing as I was explaining.  OK, I get it. My bad. #QFail.

06:09:35    Q is doing squats at the top level of Winston Square Park and surveying the scene.  Hmm, even after the expert demonstration of the Hand Release Clap Mike Tysons there seems to be a ton of modification.  Wait … is anyone even doing them? Ugh.

06:11:43    After about 5 or 6 rounds, the Q has had enough.  Time to go. Mosey back to launch spot.

06:12:12    Hedwig takes off with surprisingly blazing speed.  Apparently the workout was not difficult enough for Doogie (Hedwig, you can read this to understand that joke.).

06:12:23    The PAX requested Arm Circles.  The Q obliges. Sure, that was 41 minutes ago, but still …  Next exercise: Forward Arm Circles x 10 IC (hold it)

06:12:51    Reverse Arm Circles x 10 IC (hold it)

06:13:25    Moroccan Night Clubs x 10 IC (hold it)

06:13:50    Why are people putting their arms down dammit?

06:13:54    Seal Claps x 10 IC (hold it)

06:14:18    Unidentified PAX: “I’d like to use my shoulders today.”

06:14:29    Air Claps x 10 IC (hold it)

06:14:51    Why is everyone walking around?  Did I say feet circles or arm circles?

06:15:06    Jack Reachers x 10 IC

06:15:07    Beatdown stops.

Announcements:

• Zima has the Q at TRQ on Thursday.  Didn’t seem like anyone in attendance today was interested in coming to that.  It’s amazing how quickly those excuses just popped into everyone’s heads.
• Shmedfest.  August 25.
• Order F3 Winston-Salem Shirts
• Hanes Park workouts are changing their launch locations to Meadowlark Elementary School.  Oops, I mean Brunson Elementary School. On a related note, Mayhem – the Premier Wednesday Workout – is not changing its launch location.

Prayers:

• YHC took us out.

Pita Bread, I replaced the apple in the hog’s mouth with the keys.

Zima out.