Bring Your Kid to F3 Day

Bring Your Kid to F3 Day

QIC: Zima

Date: 8/22/18

PAX: Reborn (Rock Hill, SC), Toto, Mutton, Honey Nut (fka: Thomas Boone), Cheerio, Sprinkles (fka: Will Bumgarner), Glazer, Lamb Chop, Snooki, Chisel, Jar Jar, Cheesesteak, Palin (Chippendale), Root Canal, Thistle (Workout Grandpa), The Rake (enthusiastic WB), The Vig, Hazer, Van Pelt, Zima (QIC)

BRING YOUR KID TO F3 DAY

Date: 8/22/18

Q: Zima

PAX: Reborn (Rock Hill, SC), Toto, Mutton, Honey Nut (fka: Thomas Boone), Cheerio, Sprinkles (fka: Will Bumgarner), Glazer, Lamb Chop, Snooki, Chisel, Jar Jar, Cheesesteak, Palin (Chippendale), Root Canal, Thistle (Workout Grandpa), The Rake (enthusiastic WB), The Vig, Hazer, Van Pelt, Zima (QIC)

Since we had a guest speaker join us briefly to spread her devotional message during Warm-o-rama, I thought I would allow her to write this edition of the backblast from her perspective.  What follows may or may not be entirely true and will most certainly be denied in a court of law, but there are at least some indisputable facts planted within the story.  (Editor’s note: I had always intended to write a backblast from a random bystander’s perspective this morning. It seems quite serendipitous (or maybe it was divine intervention) that on the day I had that planned, we actually had a visitor.  Makes you kind of wonder, doesn’t it?)

You know when you wake up in the morning and have that feeling?  That feeling that you’re going to do good today. There’s somebody out there that needs saving.  I’m going to help them. Yeah, I woke up with that, got dressed, and headed out the door. But where should I go?  Where can I do the most good? Where are there souls that need saving? Of course, I’ll head to an unlit school parking lot in the gloom of the morning.  Ok, let’s just walk down Northwest Boulevard, and holy s*!t … JACKPOT! Why are there a bunch of dudes standing in a circle being yelled out by a Napoleonic one in the middle?  He looks to be in bad shape. The poor boy can’t even afford sleeves. What are they doing? Is this a cult? What are those funny names they are calling each other? Oh boy. They need my help, NOW.  Good gracious, there are kids present. I need to hustle.

I’m cautiously approaching now, but I want to pause to figure out this strange situation.  If only there were lights so I could see what’s going on. It seems like they are doing what appears to be Jumping Jacks.  Unfortunately, the “special” one in the middle cannot count past 3 so the other nice men seem to be helping him by shouting back the higher numbers.  Now they are doing some weird looking leg raise which looks like a Hillbilly trying to walk.  This is clearly not a coordinated bunch.  The sleeveless wonder must have some sort of hideous disease because one of the wise elders instructs the rest of the group to not stare directly at him.  The one in the middle is less-than-amused by this comment. I agree. I don’t understand the problem. The cadence seems spot on to me. Then there are some other warmup type calisthenics, even mentioning some guy named Whirly who should probably go to the free clinic.  How are those dads going to explain that to those young, impressionable kids?  I don’t see no mountains around, but they say they’re Climbing Mountains.  I think they are possessed.  They seem to be speaking in tongues.  Enough of these shenanigans. I need to step in and spread the Good Word.

I politely interrupt and then educate these boys about Jesus saving our souls.  Hey, I think I reached a few of them. But there are clearly a few that will take more work.  I better keep my eye on them. I’ll pretend to walk away, but I’m going to follow them to make sure they don’t cause any trouble.

They start those exercises again.  See, I told you they were speaking in tongues.  They’re doing odd looking pushups, but calling them Merkins?  Can that be right? Honey, that’s not a merkin. A merkin is, well … you can Google that for yourself dear reader.

The group is finally leaving, begrudgingly following the short one.  Oh no, they are heading into the depths of the park. There might be other unaware children down there.  I must go and protect the innocent.

After bypassing some perfectly placed pullup bars (who does that?), they arrive at the track.  Once again, the diminutive one barks instructions and the group (I think I’m learning the lingo – PAX) actually does it.  Sure, a few of them try to rebel and escape without doing the exercises, but the herd mentality brings them back in. Valiant effort gentlemen.

From what I can tell, here’s what they’re doing.  I don’t understand all that gibberish they’re speaking, but I guess I’ll relay it.  To me, it seems like if you have a nice new track, then you should be running on it.  Why are they stopping all of the time? Anyway, after each hundred meters, they are stopping to do the same four exercises.  How boring. That’s not creative at all. Oh no – they start with 10 Burpees.  Why would they do that?  Then 10 Squats.  There they go again – calling a pushup a Merkin.  I don’t understand these people.  And why can’t they just say situp?  Why call them WWIIs?  Whatever.  10 reps of everything.  Easy enough. Wait, now they’re sprinting.  I’m out of breath trying to keep up.  Thank goodness it was only 100 meters.  Yup, same 4 exercises at the next turn, but what’s this?  They are increasing the reps by 10 now. Phew, at least the Burpees held true and didn’t increase.  This is getting repetitive though.  Sprint the straightaways, jog the turns, increase by 10 reps (except Burpees).  10-20-30-40. That Star Wars dude must be using his podracer to get around the track.  He’s fast. Who are those two random guys lunge walking around the track by themselves?  Are they escapees from the PAX or just in the wrong place at the wrong time? I want to scream at them – RUN!  I hear something about failing to headlock their emotions. The breakfast cereal dude even offered to hostage swap places with them.  I don’t understand these people.

Finally made it around the track.  Good. Let’s go home so I can report these crazies to the appropriate mental health agencies.  Wait, why are they laying on the ground? Are they supposed to be doing that? Hmm, some of them are actually in a facsimile of a plank position.  Someone says something about SIX of something. SIX what? What does that mean? SIX up, huh? Is that a quantity or a person or — Nooooo, they are doing it again!?!?  That must have been the command to start over. Doh! 40-30-20-10 this time. Yikes. I’m exhausted just watching. Perhaps some of them are low on energy too since their pushups look more like elbow convulsions, and why are those two gentlemen on their knees.  I may not be a professional, but that doesn’t seem to be the correct form. I did hear something early on about modify if necessary, but this is ridiculous. Except for that one guy. He doesn’t look like at all that cartoon character from the Jersey Shore that they keep calling him.  His form is impeccable. Silver Sneakers, on the other hand … well, let’s not make fun of the elderly. And that guy over there, is he doing yoga?

So let me see, ten plus twenty plus thirty, carry the one, divide by PI, take the square root of the radius of n factorial and that equals … is that correct?  Did they really do 200 “Merkins”, “WWIIs”, and Squats and 80 Burpees? Wow, they might be certifiably crazy, but they’re impressive. These fellas are s-t-r-o-n-g.  Is that actual muscle definition on that runner boy? I don’t even know what this next statement means, but I’m pretty sure the man from Down Range (what’s that?) said this workout is too easy for him.

Are they finally done?  Why does Mr. No Sleeves keep looking at his watch and mumbling about not enough time?  Great, now they’re on the move again … to the dark softball field. Oh I get it. The leader said they’re watching Field of Dreams with that dreamy Kevin Costner.  Nevermind, shucks. I should have known better.  No cinematic film, just more exercises. The PAX divides into 4 groups.  Looks like the group at home plate is doing 10 Burpees (why?).  The ones at first base are either doing some form of Crunches or just flat out laying down.  And what the hell is going on at second base?  I don’t even know how to describe this. They are doing some kind of whacked out S&M move where they grab their ankles and bounce.  I have no idea what that has to do with Monkeys, but I’m not sure it’s quite legal.  OK, is anyone else seeing what’s going on at third base?  Are they … defiling the ground? Is this why they have to workout at 5:30 in the morning.  That’s definitely not legal. Good thing I am sticking around. They need my help more than I thought.  I understand the plank part, but where do the Preserved Cucumbers come into play?  Ewww. After witnessing each group rotate around the bases, I think I’ve had enough of these shenanigans.

I think they’ve all given up too.

Back at the parking lot.  Uh oh, they’re forming a circle again.  Here it comes. Are they going to sacrifice a goat this time, charm a snake, or drink Holy Rum?  I’m slowly backing off. This could get weird. But wait. Actually, they’re all being civil and congratulating one another.  High fives, fist bumps, laughter, accolades, and … introductions? Are they saying their names? Don’t they know each other? Hmm, guess not.  But they are very welcoming to a visitor from Rock Hill, #Reborn. Now why in the world would someone from out of town willingly put themselves through this?  And what in god’s name is an FNG? OH NO! They’re going for the kids! Is there anyone around to help? Is this the initiation part? Let me document what happens in case nobody hears from these little guys again.

• Thomas Boone, the son of Cheerio, is a baseball player who doesn’t like his sister.  I think his dad just described every adolescent boy in America between 6 and 16 years old.  Smart man though because he didn’t give the group anything to work with. They have officially renamed him Honey Nut.
• Will Bumgarner, unfortunately the offspring of something called a Glazer, plays baseball with the other FNG, Honey Nut.  He also doesn’t like his sister. Check and check. Likes Star Wars and Legos. They have renamed him Sprinkles.  (The Glazed one got denied in naming his own kid, Donut Hole).

What’s next?  Maybe this cult is having some kind of town meeting because they’re making Announcements.  I wonder if there will be punch and cookies afterwards.  Let me write these down, you know, just in case I want to check out any of it.

• I don’t know what Schmedfest is, or is it Shmedfest?  But it’s happening on August 25.  Seems pretty cool.
• Why does it not surprise me that these fools want to do more Completely Stupid And Utterly Pointless things like Obstacle Course Races?
  • Rugged Maniac (Why would I contact Sarah Palin about this?) – 10/27
  • Green Beret Challenge (What does a Huckleberry have to do with Green Berets?)
  • Spartan Ultra Beast (I’m completely lost why I would ask a dead painter, Vincent Van Gogh, about an OCR.)

It would be nice to be able to see.  Whoever the Supreme Leader is should do an internal investigation into the racketeering going on at this workout location.  What’s the guy in charge doing with the dues he’s been collecting? Clearly he’s not paying the utilities bill.

Hold on, what’s this?  Maybe these dudes aren’t such bad guys after all.  They are sharing Prayers with each other.  That’s some strength right there.

• I guess there’s a guy they call Lamb Chop and his sister has an upcoming physical fitness test with the Police Academy.  If she’s anything like him, I know which cop I’m not messing around with.
• The furry one’s – who looks like a bear that’s lost too much weight in hibernation – mom’s continued sobriety and recovery.
• All of the kids going back to school.  Awww, that’s sweet.
• The Q (see how I’m learning the lingo) then performed a literary reading of an awesome poem, Invictus, by William Ernest Henley.  It’s about overcoming the challenges in life that we all face.  What a cool idea.

Now back to our normally scheduled programming:

Today’s Q’s Random Musings:

• Clearly not difficult enough judging by the not one, not two, but three, yes three PAX who decided to bring their Tiny Tots.  Message sent; message received.
• Seriously, it was nice to workout with a bunch of guys that I usually don’t get a chance to see.  It’s always fun to mix things up a bit.
• I sincerely apologize for the lack of notation of mumblechatter.  Due to the low visibility, I couldn’t see who was running their mouths.  Yes, I know a few of the usual offenders, but heeding the advice of their wives, I have keenly adapted my hearing frequency to tune them out.  You know who you are.
• The highlight of the workout for me was listening to Glazer try to explain the proper Monkey Humper and Pickle Pounder form to his kid.  I think I gave myself a bloody lip from biting it so hard in an effort not to comment. Glazer: “First, you bend over and um, um, grab your ankles …”  For the love of god, how am I not supposed to add some color commentary to that? And then during Pickle Pounders, watching Glazer try not to crack up at my smooth, maturely-directed innuendos about Pickle Pounder form and duration.  If only he could have verbalized his internal monologue at that time …
• I didn’t catch everyone who did it, but there was some faction of a RIRO crowd.  Always have to give props to them.
• Even though Palin manned up and got a sleeveless shirt, he decided to complete the full on sex appeal by removing that said shirt during COT.  Sexy … kinda (old 7UP commercial, anyone?).
• Not sure how Van Pelt thought his recent 100 Burpee day was any better than this 90 Burpee day.  Good thing comparing numbers isn’t a prerequisite for a banking career.
• I’m just going to say that thankfully Mutton hasn’t completely gone plumber yet.  Yes, you know what I mean.
• Super impressed by Sprinkles, Honey Nut, and The Rake!!!  Can’t wait until my mini persons are old enough to attend.

Thank you Glazer.  It was truly an honor and a treat to venture out to another AO for the morning.  I will return the keys when you make your way out to the ‘burbs again.

Zima out.