CLUB VANDERSEXXX

CLUB VANDERSEXXX

QIC: Zima

Date: January 22, 2020

PAX: High Cotton, Offsides, Huckleberry, Turnover (WB), Red Eye, Splash, Drama Queen (WD), Burlap, Van Gogh, Zima (Q)

Introduction

The PAX were forewarned that a safeword would be needed this morning.  If you do not understand why (and want to kill some time at work), search for “Club Vandersexxx” on YouTube.  Safewords are important. In fact, you should watch the entire motion picture now. Go ahead, I’ll wait. It’s from the movie Europtrip, #3 on AFI’s all-time greatest cinematic films.

Anyway, YHC decided that we would play a game today.  Well, maybe not a game, but at least there would be a lot of strategy involved.

Rules:

Game play

1. A member of the PAX selects a wooden token from the brown paper sac and reads the exercise printed on it.  The PAX then proceed to perform that exercise OYO, with the number of reps increasing by at least one from the previous exercise.
2. Once the target number has been reached, any member of the PAX can yell out the safeword and the number he completed.  That becomes the new target and everyone must finish at least that number.
3. Once the exercise is complete, run a lap (about 0.2 miles) and do Mountain Climbers for the six.
4. Repeat until 6:15 am.

Bonus

• There are 3 RESET tokens in the sac that reset the target number to 1.
• At any point, if the PAX desire not to do the target number of reps for the corresponding exercise, one of the group may yell “Omaha”.  That exercise may be skipped, but the cost is 10 Burpees for the PAX. This special power may only be used once per workout per PAX member.

Beatdown.

4:00:00        Alarm goes off.  YHC immediately hits the Snooze button and falls back asleep.

4:05:00        Alarm goes off again.  YHC spryly hops out of bed (not even remotely true).  Puppy gives YHC a pissed off look having been awoken.

4:06:00        YHC turns on the recorded version of the Wake basketball game from the night before and starts warmup stretching.  If you’re wondering why oh why oh why oh why the f&*k I willingly chose to watch the game, well, I don’t have a reasonable answer.

5:03:15        Check weather app.

5:03:39        Check weather app.  Forecast hasn’t changed.

5:04:14        Check weather app.  Forecast still hasn’t changed.  Time to get geared up and gather supplies.

5:06:36        Kiss the pup goodbye.  Get a disinterested (“I’m trying to sleep”) look in return.

5:07:03        Head out the door for the long commute to New Mayhem.  Check the phone to see which way Waze will reroute me.

5:08:48        Wave to the creepy, beady eyes staring at me from the woods as I run by.  They look angry and scary in the darkness. Probably family members of the deer that Van Gogh hit yesterday.

5:10:56        Breathe in diesel fumes from the bus lot.  Feeling a little woozy. Hope I make it to the launch spot.  Thanks Waze.

5:11:23        Crap!  Jump off the road and out of the way of a bus speeding out of the lot.  What was that license plate number? Reminder: Wear a reflective vest when coming to New Mayhem now. 

5:12:16        Ummm, why in the world is there a police cruiser sitting in the middle of the Jamison Park parking lot?  What the hell is going on? What did I do now? Did Turnover order some private security? No matter. I clearly don’t look threatening wearing a hoodie, carrying a random bag, escaping in the dark towards the pitch black greenway.

5:13:07        Maybe I should set up a little further away from the police car.  Give a non-menacing wave as I run by. Huh, is that guy even awake?

5:14:58        Set up music.  Look around for Splash.  Nope, he’s not here. Don’t play “Time After Time” just yet.  Use the well-received #IronPAXChallenge playlist.

5:19:11        Pull up the hoodie, throw on some gloves, and select a rock from the drainage ditch.  Surely the friendly police officer won’t have a problem with this at all. He clearly understands that I have a legitimate use for this rock.

5:21:45        Two vehicles pull into the parking lot.  Nobody emerges.

5:23:36        More cars arrive, but still nobody gets out.  Don’t they see me here lonely standing by myself talking to a rock?  Why won’t anyone join me? Wait, did I just answer my own question?

5:24:01        Screw it.  I’m not standing here alone.  I’m going to do a test run of the lap around the parking islands.

5:25:44        About 1 minute and 45 seconds at a comfortable pace.  The PAX should enjoy that. Time for rest and good conversation.

5:26:24        Turnover, Huckleberry, Offsides (note: he did not run in after his death-defying feat a few weeks ago), and High Cotton are finally brave enough to walk over to me.

5:27:34        Huck is worried about the size of YHC’s … rock.  He says it’s small.

5:27:38        Splash joins us and informs us that he’s getting a pebble.  Quelle surprise!

5:27:46        The Q tells the PAX they can select a rock.  Nobody moves.

5:27:50        Turnover arrives.  Offsides is mumbling something stupid about it being his time and he’s not going to do what the Q says yet.  Honestly, I wasn’t really listening.

5:28:12        The Q again informs the PAX that they are free to go select a rock.

5:28:17        Drama Queen and Red Eye arrive.

5:28:40        Huckleberry whines about the temperature of his rock.  YHC chose to decline the offer of warming up his … rocks.

5:29:00        Burlap arrives.  Thanks goodness.

5:29:03        The PAX are again rock shaming the Q for the size of his rock.  Come on guys, rock bullying isn’t nice.

5:29:11        YHC mentions that we’ll be playing a game and that we’ll need a safeword.

5:29:14        YHC asks for a safeword.

5:29:14.2    Splash: “Bananas”.  OK, that was a little too quick.  TOO SOON! WTF Splash? YHC will now skip the next portion of the conversation to protect the young readers.

5:29:18        Splash (trying to redeem himself): “I, uh, uh mean, what’s a safeword”.  Too late buddy. Too late.

5:29:23        Van Gogh arrives.

5:29:28        The PAX take another shot at the size of the Q’s rock.

5:30:00        YHC, as the Q-for-the-day, welcomes the crew to New Mayhem.

5:30:55        The PAX are weirdly still infatuated with YHC’s rock and obviously not listening to the beatdown/game instructions.  A bunch of damn gabby school girls. That’s what they are.

5:31:03        YHC tells the PAX that all warmup exercises (SSH, Hillbillies, Abe Vigodas, Michael Phelps) will be OYO while he explains the rules of the game … fast forward.

5:31:05        Splash yells “Bananas”.  OK buddy. We really need to talk.  Maybe you should see someone who is licensed to help you.

5:34:03        Lots of strategy discussion already.  Although, YHC believes it is mostly centered around how to do the least number of burpees.

5:34:50        DQ chooses …, wait for it, …. yup, …. keep waiting, …. Hand Release Burpees.  I’m not kidding!

5:35:23        Someone yells “Bananas” at only 5 reps.  Off we go for the run.

5:37:10        Mountain Climbers for the six.  And … ironically, Van Gogh picks … Mountain Climbers.

5:37:29        Someone yells “Bananas” at 12 reps.  So much for going up by 1 rep at a time.  This could get out of hand and ugly very quickly.  Off we go for the run.

5:37:39        Why is the cop still here and what exactly is he thinking while watching us?

5:39:18        Mountain Climbers for the six.  Turnover chooses Wide Merkins.

5:39:48        Splash calls “Bananas” at 15 reps.  Strange. Everyone else is only at 5.  How did Splash do them so fast? Off we go for the run.

5:39:50        Burlaps is very concerned about the tunes.  I guess he’s a big fan of Billie Jean.

5:40:36        The PAX are all loudly hypothesizing about possible strategic situations, however, not all have the same goals.  Some want to minimize certain exercises, while others want to minimize the running. Hmm, will my plan work? Will the PAX turn on each other and end up fighting to the death?  And what is the cop doing in his car right now?

5:41:49        Mountain Climbers for the six.  Splash excitedly picks a token and proclaims Pickle Pounders.  Obviously this is the moment the cop is waiting for and we’re all about to be arrested in a public park, feet away from a school.

5:42:07        WTF?!  Mr. Stamina, otherwise known as Offsides, calls “Bananas” at 16 reps in Guinness Book of World Record time.  He’s certainly efficient. His wife must be a lucky woman. While he leaves for the run, the rest of us finish the 12 reps we have left.  Off we go for the run.

5:42:08        Pickle Pounder comments redacted for PG viewing.

5:42:09        Pickle Pounder comments redacted for PG viewing.

5:42:10        Pickle Pounder comments redacted for PG viewing.

5:42:11        Pickle Pounder comments redacted for PG viewing.

5:44:02        Mountain Climbers for the six.  Someone chooses Spider Merkins.

5:45:26        Van Gogh calls “Bananas” at 20 reps.  Off we go for the run.

5:46:00        YHC tries to curry favor with the PAX by letting them know he decided to Omaha the use of the Hill to Nowhere for the run.  The tactic doesn’t work as he only gets sneers.

5:48:06        Mountain Climbers for the six.  Van Gogh happily calls WWIIs.

5:45:26        High Cotton (I think) calls “Bananas” at 21 reps.  Off we go for the run.

5:46:13        YHC commits the workout cardinal sin and looks at his watch.  “What the hell??? This is going to be a long workout.”

5:50:31        Mountain Climbers for the six.  Someone chooses Mary Katherines.

5:50:32        Turnover surprisingly questions the wisdom of doing double count …

5:51:24        … then unsurprisingly calls “Bananas” at 24 reps, way ahead of everyone else.  YHC still has about 10 more to go. Oh boy. Off we go for the run (and I use that term loosely).  Have you ever tried running after Mary Katherines?

5:52:17        YHC is confused with the conversation about Meadowlark Elementary School traffic patterns and the hope that Jamison Park provides more “favorable winds”.  I’ve never had any problems leaving the AO. What are you guys talking about?

5:53:24        Why is YHC the only one doing Mountain Climbers for the six?  Burlap chooses Lunge Walks.

5:53:25        I think Red Eye has decided to lunge walk home.  He’s headed back in the direction of Brookberry.

5:54:50        Burlap, not a fan of Eminem, speedily lunge walks away from the speaker, his gums flapping something unintelligible about the music the young whippersnappers are listening to nowadays.

5:54:54        Burlap calls “Bananas” at 25 reps.  Coincidence? Off we go for the run.

5:55:32        A couple of the PAX are wondering out loud if it’s time to use their coveted Omahas.  What’s worse – 10 burpees or 25 lunge walks?

5:55:58        Van Gogh, ever the politician, is attempting to solicit support for a potential filibuster, by convincing the PAX that the next time an easy ab exercise comes up, they should just continue doing it until the end of the workout.  Did YHC forget to mention his Red Line Veto Power? Oops, my bad.

5:56:01        The discussion turned to why my chip or token sac was a brown paper bag rather than a burlap sack or leather sack.  Then, and I shit you not, Offsides decides to enlighten us with his knowledge of where to buy bull scrotums. I cannot make this stuff up.

5:56:54        Why is YHC the only one doing Mountain Climbers for the six?  Burlap chooses Imperial Storm Troopers.

5:56:55        Here we go.  Let the comments fly.  Bring ‘em on boys. Sheesh.  Everyone feel good about themselves now?  We’d be here all day if I typed everything those jabronis at amateur hour threw at me regarding ISTs.  Don’t be jealous ladies. Try to keep up!

5:58:17        The Krispy Kreme Hot Now sign must have lit up because Officer Friendly peeled out of the parking lot.  No goodbyes. No nothing.

5:58:27        Splash yells “Bananas” at 30 reps.  What a shame. YHC missed the opportunity to call it at 45.  Off we go for the run.

5:58:58        Red Eye says something mean to YHC.  I just want that in print. Mark down the date and time.  Why Red Eye? Why?

5:59:40        Uh oh.  YHC can hear some of the frontrunners plotting another coup d’etat up ahead.  Shit. Not again.

6:00:15        Nobody else is doing Mountain Climbers now.  At least some of them are running back for the six though.  I guess that’s OK. Turnover encourages YHC to keep going, as he uh uh uh, stands and watches.  Thanks pal. Someone chooses Plank Jacks.

6:01:21        High Cotton yells “Bananas” at 32 reps.  At least 10 seconds of time wasting as the Meadowlark Mensa Chapter debates the difference between single and double count Plank Jacks.  Off we eventually go for the run.

6:03:07        How is it possible that we haven’t pulled a single token with a rock exercise on it yet?  I’m going to have to check the bag later. Are those a-holes cheating? Did they throw out the rock exercises?

6:03:11        I guess the PAX have decided to do the vertical standing around version of Mountain Climbers for the six.  Someone selects Freddie Mercuries.

6:04:16        DQ yells “Bananas” at 35 reps.  Much discussion ensued as a contingent of PAX were displeased because they had already done more than 40.  Should’ve called it, bro. #MissedOpportunity #OverAchievers. Van Gogh claims he was shooting for 70. Off we go for the run.

6:04:48        Alliances are forming.  Coalitions are gelling. Deals are being brokered.  The game is afoot. Omahas are openly being discussed.  I sense a Boardwalk for Baltic Avenue, Marvin Gardens, and all 4 Railroads trade coming soon.

6:03:06        You know what?  We haven’t gotten any RESETs either.  YHC may need to rethink these rules.

6:07:14        Maybe the PAX though MC was for mumblechatter and not Mountain Climbers because there ain’t no mountain climbing going on.

6:07:19        Someone, maybe Huck, is blatantly trying to waste time by methodically asking each person if it is his turn to pick.  Yada yada. Just reach into the freaking bag yourself!!!!

6:07:26        The Q is pelted with a chorus of questions – and rightly so – about the rocks that have been sitting next to us untouched for almost 40 minutes.  The Q has not words for a proper response.

6:07:30        Someone finally chooses Mike Tysons.  The PAX decide to painstakingly and carefully choose where they would like to perform the exercise.  #TimeWaster.

6:07:39        Faced with the prospect of doing at least 36 Mike Tysons, Burlap sagely uses his Omaha.  The PAX happily perform 10 Burpees.  Thanks Burlap, but do you think you could have said that BEFORE I started the Mike Tysons?!

6:07:50        Huckleberry finishes his Burpees … and waits … and waits … and waits …

6:08:24        The rest of the PAX finish their Burpees.  Off we go on the run.

6:11:37        NOT Mountain Climbers for the six.  Do you guys cheat this much during Family Game Night too?  Someone chooses Full Extension Crunches.

6:12:12        YHC finally gets into the game and yells “Bananas” at 38 reps to preserve time.  Off we go for a run.

6:12:20        Van Gogh proclaims his proposed strategy of calling Omaha 1 to 2 reps before the target number so the PAX are forced to almost complete the exercise and THEN do 10 Burpees.  What kind of sadistic jerk would do that?

6:13:50        No need to document what the PAX AREN’T doing.  I think the dear reader knows by now. YHC hustles over and chooses Ranger Merkins.  #TimeIsRunningOut.

6:13:52        YHC announces that 39 Ranger Merkins will finish it out.

6:13:55        No (whoever the hell just said that), we’re not playing F’ing UNO.  Shut your mouth and do your stupid Ranger Merkins!!!

6:14:23        I’m not sure where all of the novice astronomers came from, but they’re trying to convince the Q that time is up.  Are they using the position of the sun to determine when it’s exactly 6:15? The Q holds steadfast that there is still time left.

6:14:41        Some colossal jerk (read: YHC) calls Omaha after roughly 30 Ranger Merkins.  10 Burpees for the PAX.

6:14:42        It’s amazing how much modification is occurring with only 18 seconds left.  #FinishStrong.

6:15:01        The Q decides to end the beatdown before the PAX finally put those cold rocks to some worthwhile use.

Announcements / Prayers.

6:15:04        A preponderance of appropriate complaining about having to get the rocks pre-beatdown.  Everyone chimed in with their thoughts, but kindly returned the pebbles to their homes.

6:15:08        High Cotton has had enough of the shenanigans and leaves … rather quickly, I might add.

6:15:26        “That was awesome, man.” – Turnover

6:15:27        The Q explains there were about 60 possible exercises in the sac so we barely scratched the surface.  Other PAX chimed in with ideas to do it again at an hour long beatdown. The Q duly noted the suggestion.

6:16:16        Of course Van Gogh doesn’t believe YHC about the RESETs so he checks the sac and, lo and behold, the very next token he chooses is a RESET.  Now that’s ironic!

6:16:36        Count-o-rama.  10 PAX, including the Q.

6:16:50        Someone puts all the tokens back in the bag.  The rest of the PAX wonder how boring the backblast will be since Zima won’t know which exercises we did.  DQ feels no sympathy.

6:16:52        High Cotton.

6:16:53        Tim Sechrest, 56, Burlap.  Respect.

6:16:55        Eric Sweet, 33, Turnover.  Hate.

6:16:57        David Ratcliffe, 58, Drama Queen.  Respect

6:16:59        Brian Peacock, 37, Huckleberry.  Hate.

6:17:01        Adam Carlson, 35, Van Gogh.  Hate.

6:17:03        Jon Fuller, 44, Red Eye.  Aye

6:17:05        Tim Pardee, 50, Splash.  Respect.

6:17:07        Doug Stewart, 53, Offsides.  Respect.

6:17:09        Ryan Scholl, 41, ZIMA.  Super, wonderful, great, love, T-Claps, brilliant, outstanding, fantastic, yippee, cheers.

6:17:14        YHC is asked to document that I am wearing pants AND sleeves.  There is also some concern about the length of my socks, but I put the PAX at ease and told them they were cut-offs.

6:17:45        Announcement: There’s a “take a meal thing” out there on the Internet for Sac’s family who is welcoming a new baby.

6:17:52        Prayer: $5 Footlong’s dad.

6:18:52        Prayer: DQ’s brother’s family.

6:18:58        Prayer: Drip’s family.

6:19:28        Announcement: Van Gogh has his much-anticipated Sexual Chocolate themed beatdown at Impossible Situation with breakfast and brews to follow at Footnote.  According to VG, going to Purgatory does not exclude you from being able to attend the breakfast and brews 2nd F. Sorry CFT, he doesn’t make the same deal with you guys.  Why the hate for #WeFoCo, VG?

6:19:38        Announcement: Offsides needs Qs for Purgatory.

6:20:28        YHC takes us out.

6:22:07        The PAX just can’t get enough.  They actually request to play the game again, with most supporting doing it at an hour long workout.  Of course, there are a few rule modifications suggested, but YHC somehow forgets those, except the one involving beer.  Hmmmm.

6:24:11        Eschewing the multitude of offers for a ride home because of YHC’s newly-extended commute, YHC departs the AO and hopes all of the PAX in their warm cozy cars appreciate YHC’s extreme sacrifice of acquiescing to the location change and running a further distance in the frigid temperatures.

6:26:18        YHC brings the keys back to the old launch spot.  You can pick them up there, Turnover.

Apologies for missing some comments or misstating some or even misattributing them.  At times, my memory recall wasn’t perfect. And some of you were so far away from me that I couldn’t discern the clearly complimentary statements sent in my direction.

Zima out.  Eerie silence.