Vive Le Tour

Vive Le Tour

QIC: Zima

Date: September 19, 2020

PAX: Cheesesteak, The H.O.G. (White Jersey), Buyout, Palin, Post Hole, Boo Boo, Picnic Basket, Root Canal (or whatever he is calling himself now) (Lanterne Rouge), Cherry Pie, Zima (Q)

Although I’d love to write this backblast in the voice of Phil’s and Bob’s (R.I.P. Paul) post-race commentary, I could never do justice to Phil’s unique style or even correctly capture a single Bobke-isms.  So I’ll cut my losses and just describe the beatdown in plain, old, boring American English.

Today is the eve of the completion of the 107th edition of Le Tour, the race that almost nobody thought would take place this year.  Seemingly it will end, as it always does nowadays, tomorrow on the famed cobblestones of the Champs-Elysees.  As we head into that final day, YHC took the opportunity to create a TdF-themed workout.  Admittedly, it was more themed than challenging, so I apologize for those PAX who were hopeful for a full on snotwoggler.

As it is an even year, the Tour traveled around France in a clockwise direction.  Starting in Nice on the southeastern coast of France, it will head clockwise, staying on the southern border.  Then it will proceed straight up the west side until it cuts directly through the middle of the country to the eastern border shared with Germany.  Eventually, the teams will then make their way over to Paris to finish up.

Just like those 176 riders (22 teams of 8), the PAX of Team F3WS moved clockwise around the Hanes Park route.  Unfortunately, the team was not able to travel all 21 stages of 3,483 kilometers through 5 mountain ranges: Alps, Massif central, Pyrenees, Jura, and Vodges.  We only had 60 minutes.

By the way, if you don’t watch The Tour on TV, you are truly missing out on some of the most beautiful natural scenery your eyes will behold.  As Bobke likes to say, “it’s the greatest travelogue ever devised”.

In case you’re curious (as one of our “riders” was), here is a breakdown of some of the 2.3 million euro prize money available.

Awards – 

• Yellow Jersey (Maillot Jaune): winner of the overall general classification [500,000 euros], but he usually donates all of the money to his team since he’ll make lots more in endorsements
• Green Jersey: most consistent rider / best sprinter [25,000 euros]
• Polka Dot Jersey: King of the Mountains [25,000 euros]
• White Jersey: young rider [20,000 euros]
• Team Classification: top 3 riders per team [50,000 euros]
• Daily Stage winner: [11,000 euros]
• daily sprint, KOM, aggressive rider, stage placing, and daily jersey payouts [various payouts]

Beatdown.

Even though each World Tour team only has 8 riders this year, we brought an extra 1 and had 9ish.  This was the roster that we brought to the Tour de Hanes.

General Classification: Cherry Pie, Cheesesteak

Mountain Climbers: Root Canal

Sprinters: Buyout

All Arounder: Post Hole

Breakaway Specialist: Palin (if you’ve done OGs with him lately, you’d understand) 

Time Trialist: The H.O.G.

Super Domestique: Boo Boo (took good care of this teammate, Picnic Basket)

Director Sportif: Zima

As we started Stage 1 in Nice (i.e HP parking lot), it was fairly easy and flat, so we did some Warm-o-rama.  Since we were on our bicycles, we obviously did some Freddie Mercuries x 21 IC, for the 21 stages in Le Tour.  Because the mountains really separate the contenders, we did Mountain Climbers x 21 IC.  As we were about to start the next exercise, a “team car” entered the warmup area so we moved away and Reverse Peloton’ed to the foothills of the Cote d’Education.  Due to the COVID-19 pandemic, it was obvious that the team did not have a lot of time in training camps to work together as evidenced by the disorganization and confusion over the Peloton (no, not that expensive exercise bike gathering dust in your garage).

We entered Stages 2 through 7 in the Alps, but just the lower ones so the routes were fairly flat with a few hills sprinkled in.  In honor of one of our teammates, we did a Jacob’s Ladder with 7 Hand Release Clap Merkins and 2 Bonnie Blairs.  Between the two spots, which were conveniently marked with tires (check out that planning! although not bike tires), we sprinted for the Green Jersey.  Buyout was the early wearer of it with The H.O.G. and Cheesesteak not far behind.  This might be a close race this year.

After the Alps, the race moved into the Pyranees (i.e. Education Hill).  On Stage 8, we did 8 Mountain Climbers, Bear Crawled up, and performed 15 Burpees at the top.  The riders descended the mountain by Running Down and then got on their bicycles (Freddie Mercuried) for the six.  Stage 9 was another similar mountain stage, but had a few less Category 1 climbs so we did 9 Mountain Climbers, Bear Crawled up, and performed 10 Burpees at the top.  It was here that Boo Boo demonstrated his super domestique abilities in support of Picnic Basket by doing most of the work (i.e. Burpees) while PB just drafted behind him and didn’t even seem tired.  Again, the riders descended by Running Down and then bicycled (Freddie Mercuried) for the six.  Stage 10 was a rest day, so the wearer of the Maillot Jaune, Cherry Pie, provided us with a 10 Count.

Even though Stages 10 through 14 were in the Massif central mountains, we didn’t climb too much, but rather embraced the flat stages and traveled across Hanes Park by attempting to Reverse Peloton.  Our road captain (read: kind and family-friendly superlative for his vocal abilities), Palin, tried to organize the boys, but met some resistance so instead of abandoning the Tour, we mostly abandoned the Peloton.  We had a short respite as we interacted with some fans – IPC’ers – under the tennis shelter.  To prepare our legs for the upcoming mountains, we performed 14 Copperhead Squats.  Unknown to most, to succeed in bicycle racing, your team is incredibly important … so next, we partnered up.  One partner did 50 Merkins (have you ever seen cyclists arms?) while the other one Planked (and obviously cheered on his teammate to hurry up).

The Peloton stayed together with no breakaways on the way to the high Jura and Alps mountains (read: Pilot View) for Stages 15 through 18.  Conveniently Pilot View has 4 intersections which represented the four finishing towns for these 4 stages (how freaking clever!).  At each intersection, the PAX performed a BLIMPS, but started with 5 reps and only increased by 1 for each successive exercise.  The H.O.G., who claims not to be a climber, grabbed the Polka Dot Jersey on the lower slopes.  There was a rest day between Stages 15 and 16, so Buyout gave us a 10 count after the first intersection.  However, Root Canal, Boo Boo, and Picnic Basket got into the early breakaway on Stage 16 and left the PAX to chase.  With great support to his team, Post Hole jumped to the front of the Peloton, but realized the futility of catching the leaders and saved his energy for the later stages.  Much like on the Grand Colombier, riders were completely strewn all over Pilot View and there were not enough cameras or motorbikes to stay with each group.  Since there was an actual KOM marking at the Summit Street intersection, Cheesesteak was awarded the major points and grabbed the Polka Dot jersey.  Don’t feel too bad for The H.O.G. though, he’s guaranteed to be the winner of the White Jersey.  Despite claiming he was ‘off the back’ and the wearer of the Lanterne Rouge, the opposite was true as Post Hole was doing his turns up front and pulling the Peloton.  While the mountain goats waited for the Grupetto (which truly did form) at the peak of the climb, they Freddie Mercuried.

Stage 19 was a long descent off the Col de Pilot View winding through the rolling hills of West End with the Peloton yo-yo’ing back and forth, even off-roading a bit a la Lance in the 2003 Tdf Stage 9, on the way to the track.  

Stage 20 was a mountain time trial in the Vodges, however we TT’ed on the pancake-flat running track, rather than in La Planche des Belles Filles.  During the ‘race of truth’, each PAX ran a 400 meter loop, departing 10 seconds apart, while the riders waiting in the start house warmed up their legs with an Al Gore.

With the Maillot Jaune secured, Team F3WS enjoyed a few sips of Champagne during the conversational slow mosey on the way into Paris for Stage 21.  When we hit the fabled paved cobblestones of the Champs d’Elysees (read: dirt path after crossing the bridge), the final sprint was on.  Jailbreak.  In a photo finish, Buyout barely nipped Palin by the width of a shoelace at the steps of the podium. 

As the rest of the riders trickled over the final finish line, we did some Mary on the podium (fancy new entrance to Hanes Park).  Of course we rode our bikes (Freddie Mercury x 21 IC).  Then, since Le Tour took a hiatus during the two World Wars, we did WWI x 21 OYO and WWII x 21 OYO.  Finally, all PAX raised their arms in celebration (i.e. SSHs OYO) until time ran out.

FINISHED.

ANNOUNCEMENTS:

• Salem Lake run on Sunday at 7am.  No drops.  Burns has HC’ed and he knows the penalty for fartsacking.
• IronPAX Week 4 drops on Sunday.
• Family friendly convergence at Crisis Control Ministries on October 3 at 8am.  7am, there will be a tour of the facilities.

POST RACE RECAP:

• Although I wore a special bike jersey that “used to fit”, Cheesesteak pointed out that I didn’t employ the complete kit.  Was it a #QFail or was I just saving everyone from having to see me in my squishy butt pants?  I also broke UCI rules and didn’t wear a helmet.  I expect there will be a fine forthcoming.
• Speaking of workout attire, Bevo must have been so excited about doing the IPC this morning, that when he got dressed in the dark, he put on his wife’s tights.
• Yes, it would have been much cooler if I had BIBO’ed (biked in biked out), but surprise late night houseguests the night before messed with those logistics.
• The race organizers absolutely fined Buyout for his blatant disregard of rules by wearing improper race attire, or more accurately not wearing it.  Does he own a shirt?
• There’s some controversy brewing in the local press because Cherry Pie was immediately tested for EPO at the conclusion of The Tour.  The French media just hates Americans who wear the Yellow Jersey.  I have no idea why.
• Root Canal geeks out on watching Le Tour as much as YHC, but probably won’t make a big deal of it.  He’s also too humble to admit how much of a rockstar bike rider that he probably is.
• From the vantage point of the race referee’s car, it actually appeared that Cheesesteak did most of the called exercises, rather than modify to whatever the hell he felt like.  There’s a first time for everything.
• Palin talked a lot.  I’ve completely stopped listening to him.
• Nobody believes you Post Hole.  You lose credibility when you’re in front of everybody, but trying to convince us that you’re struggling.  Phewy.  Try again.
• Picnic Basket was a great addition to the team for this year’s roster.  It was nice having Boo Boo too, I guess.
• You know you’ve made it as a Q when the Mumble Chatter starts flying out of Buyout’s mouth.  I was literally too stunned to remember any of it.  Also, it’s hard to hear when he’s so far ahead and still grinning.
• As a star of future Tours, The H.O.G. spent most of the morning near the front of the Peloton.  That was quite an impressive feat after his stellar performance in the recent one day classic, OGs and Tractors.
• A few riders competed in the 3rd stage of Tirreno-Adriatico (or IPC Week 3), happening at the same time as Le Tour de Hanes: Huckleberry, Litterbox, Van Gogh, Bevo, Greenspan, Burns, Spicoli.

PRAYERS.

• RBG and whatever comes next for the Supreme Court.
• 2020.  (That’s it)
• The H.O.G. took us out.

Zima Out.