Burns’ Hell Week Day 2 – Swing States at Flatline 11.3.2020
QIC: Burns
PAX – Turnover, Root Canal (WD), Huckleberry, Honey Badger, Bevo, Cheesesteak, Burns
As advertised, today’s beatdown was an Election Day special. What better way to celebrate the world’s longest-running and greatest display of democracy than with a competitive beatdown? After a quick warm-up lap around the exterior of the parking lot, the pax split into two parties while YHC explained the rules over some non-cadenced SSHs.
Unlike any other election in the U.S. happening today, the race for the Presidency is not decided by the popular vote but by the Electoral College. It’s certainly a convoluted system, there’s no doubt about it, but instead of debating its merits and pitfalls we set out to win it this morning. Instead of going state-by-state in this election, we know with near certainty which way about 40 of the States’ electoral votes will go, so this beatdown was to capture the votes of the swing states. Each State has a different number of electoral votes (read: reps) and the race must be won by the entire party in order to snag the votes – there’s no splitting the votes, either. All of these swing states are winner-takes-all.
Our two parties, eventually dubbed the Bull-Moose party and the Whigs, competed over these votes by knocking out a state-specific exercise and running from the polling place (middle of the Flatline AO parking lot) to the wall on the south side. The first party to have all of their members reach the wall wins the votes and goes on a victory lap around the exterior of the lot – the losing party has to bear crawl back to the polling place before moving on to the next state. It was a close election – so close that we had to add on an extra state at the end to break the tie.
Bull-Moose Party: Burns, Turnover, Bevo, Cheesesteak
Whig Party: Root Canal, Honey Badger, Huckleberry
The order of exercises was determined by fivethirtyeight.com’s analysis of the Presidential election, moving through the swing states from least likely to most likely to impact the outcome of the whole election.
IA (6 electoral votes) – Iowa’s nickname is the Hawkeye State, named so in tribute to Chief Black Hawk of the Sauk Tribe, native to the midwestern region of the U.S. To win the 6 electoral votes of the state, Pax must do 6 Tony Hawk burpees (360 spin on the jump). Winner: Bull Moose (6-0)
MI (16 electoral votes) – After unsuccessful attempts to connect an exercise to the Wolverines or the Spartans, YHC discovered that early 2000’s icon* Selma Blair of Cruel Intentions, Hellboy, and Legally Blonde fame was born and raised in Michigan. Thus, 16 Bonnie Blairs (DC) were needed to capture the state’s votes. Winner: Whigs. (6-16)
*icon?
WI (10 electoral votes) – Wisconsin has a couple of fun football traditions recognizable to even the most casual fan. For starters, a coveted opportunity for any NFL player is the chance to score a touchdown in Green Bay and give the fans what they want with a Lambeau Leap. Additionally, the Wisconsin Badgers football team has adopted House of Pain’s “Jump Around” as a pseudo-anthem at their football games. It only seemed fitting that these 10 votes were won with 10 Jump Squats. Winner: Whigs (6-26)
OH (18 electoral votes) – Not much explanation needed here. 50% of the letters of this state are O, so 18 Big Os were called. Winner: Bull Moose (24-26)
MN (10 electoral votes) – Minnesota may be best known for being the Land of 10,000 Lakes, but that’s not the focus of today’s exercise. The major metropolitan area of St. Paul-Minneapolis is oft referred to as the Twin Cities, a moniker so widely adopted that they even named their baseball team after it. 10 Twin Burpees (2 merkins at the bottom) to get Minnesota’s vote. Winner: Whigs (24-36)
GA (16 electoral votes) – One of the things I love (resent?) about my home state is that the flagship universities cannot seem to ever win a national championship in any of the “big three” sports, but they unequivocally dominate in some of the lesser followed NCAA sports. GA Tech has long been a force in men’s and women’s golf, women’s tennis, and volleyball, but not with the sustained success that their upstate rival has seen with the Bulldog gymnastics and swim/dive teams. UGA has turned in 14 NCAA team championships in these two sports over my lifetime. To commemorate, 16 Divebombers were required to win the state. Winner: Whigs (24-52)
NC (15 electoral votes) – The Bull Moose Party was pretty downtrodden at this point, and needed a big comeback to be competitive in the election. They channeled the inner spirit of the Tobacco Road rivalry, driven by either their passionate love or hate for Duke basketball and legendary point guard Bobby Hurley. 15 of ‘em. Winner: Bull Moose (39-52)
AZ (11 electoral votes) – Arizona is so rife with diamondback rattlesnakes that it’s not recommended you leave your pets unattended in your backyard or they’ll get got. The baseball club is named after these ghastly beasts, which they have tried to emulate in their uniform designs both very successfully (here) and very very unsuccessfully (here). Seriously…the snakeskin pattern on the pants? I digress…11 Diamond merkins were called. Winner: Bull Moose (50-52)
FL (29 electoral votes) – Florida was a hotbed of piracy in the 17th century as Europeans began to set up colonies in the Western Hemisphere. Many ships were loaded with valuable goods for sale as well as stores and stores of money to help boost the economic viability of the new settlements. Pirates, notably, were no different than the petty thieves we see in our world today. Generally lower-middle class men who saw an opportunity to spurn the system that they felt had spurned them into hard times. The main difference is that pirates got to do cool shit like swing across ropes onto other ships and wield cutlasses, and then drop you off in the middle of the ocean once they captured you by making you walk the plank. 29 Plank Jacks to win the state. Winner: Whigs (50-81)
PA (20 electoral votes) – According to fivethirtyeight.com, Pennsylvania has nearly a 36% chance of being the deciding state in this election. I find that fitting, since Pennsylvania is also the cultural center of the American Revolution and the birth of our great nation – what can be more American than deciding a Presidential election in the same place that we made the choice to include the Electoral College system in the Constitution? Go America. 20 American Hammers to take us out. Winner: Bull Moose (70-81)
At this point the Whigs had won our election, but because it was 5 states apiece and a pretty close electoral difference, and because there were about 12 minutes left on the clock, YHC threw in one more state to break the virtual tie. TX (38 electoral votes) was now in play. Who is the most Texan Texan to ever do Texas things? If you guessed Bevo, you’d be wrong…the answer is Nolan Ryan. The man was born and raised in Texas to give Texas-sized ass-whuppins to California-born city slickers. 38 Nolan Ryan’s on each side. After all that, the final race was too close to call so we all took a victory lap around the parking lot.
With 6 minutes remaining, we popcorned Mary. Low flutters, Penguin crunches, Freddie Mercs, 1-min plank, Supermans, Cheesesteak-style penguin crunches (dubbed Flamingos by Bevo…patent pending), and Elbow-plank hip touches (dubbed Newton’s Cradle by Huck…patent pending).
I had a blast putting this workout together, and am thankful that these HIMs joined me this morning for a little competition and political science lesson. Everyone bought into the theme and to the exercises and made it all the better to be out there this morning.
Root Canal, Turnover, Huckleberry, and Plunger remain eligible for the Burns’ Hell Week prize at the end of the week, but a reminder to all pax that this Sunday afternoon at Juggheads will be a nice 2nd F opportunity for some extra camaraderie in these tougher times. Forecast for Sunday is a #nice 69 degree high temp, so it will be a great day to be outside with a beer in hand.
YHC takes the week of Qs up to Mayhem tomorrow, come join
Zima is planning a special birthday Q for Cheesesteak at Urban Assault next Friday, 11/13
Splash is putting info out about the Red Cross Blood Drive, sign up to donate
Prayers for $5 Footlong – reach out to him and see how you can individually support him. He is keen on walking before/during beatdowns, and I’m sure there’s plenty of other support he and his M need.
Prayers for our country to move forward from today with grace, civility, and cool heads.
Thank you for the keys, $5. We lost them on the campaign trail.
