Festivus for the Rest of Us

Festivus for the Rest of Us

QIC: Zima

Date: 12/26/20

PAX: Root Canal (WD), The H.O.G. (WB), Boo Boo, Mutton, Drip, Cheesesteak, Palin, $5 Footlong, The Deuce, Zima (Q)

As everyone knows, a major holiday just passed.  I was a bit surprised that even in this crazy year, there wasn’t much fanfare about it.  Perhaps there were people who felt uncomfortable sharing and did not want to be persecuted for their beliefs.  Whatever the case, I will do my civic duty, stand up for the silent, and allow the PAX to celebrate the not-at-all-fake holiday of FESTIVUS!

WARMARAMA.  SSH, Mountain Climbers, Whirly with the Clap, Michael Phelps, 5 Burpees each for the 3 late arrivals (15 total).

BEATDOWN.

Since we needed to find an aluminum pole, we defied CDC recommendations and traveled through the park from the launch spot to the pullup bars.  (Yes, I know they aren’t made from aluminum, but work with me here.)  However, because it was a long trip, we needed to make a pit stop at the tennis shelter.  

LOCATION: Tennis Shelter (Pit Stop)

To make sure we were nice and warm, we did a quick combo circuit 5 times of 5 reps each:

Alternating Step Ups, Dips, Derkins, Pulse Ups

One super late PAX (not @Spicoli or @Zuckerburg) showed up so we did 5 Burpees in his honor. 

LOCATION: Pullup Bars (serving as our “aluminum” Festivus pole)

We traveled over to the pullup bars and gathered around for FESTIVUS DINNER.  Like proper guests, we all sat on our sixes for a feast of abdominal exercises and the AIRING OF GRIEVANCES.  We performed 20-25 reps IC of an exercise, then held Plank while each person went around and aired a grievance.  We repeated this cycle for each exercise.  @The H.O.G. and @Palin had heaping amounts of trouble following directions.  The grievances ranged from F3 logistics to the state of the world to families to the size of houses and beyond.  It was therapeutic for most and all things said during the AIRING OF GRIEVANCES falls under Q-PAX confidentiality privileges.

American Hammer, Box Cutters, WWIIs, Heels to Heaven, Low Dolly, Straight Leg Crunches

After dinner, it was time for the FEATS OF STRENGTH.  To end Festivus, a guest must accomplish the Feats of Strength by pinning the Head of Household to the ground, otherwise Festivus is not officially over.  Although I’m sure all of the PAX would have loved to watch the silly and futile attempt by emaciated @Palin try to wrestle the Q, social distancing regulations forbade the hand-to-hand combat.  Thus, we had to modify the FEATS OF STRENGTH.  Instead, each PAX would take turns being the Head and would do an exercise for as long as he could.  If any of the PAX outlasted the Head, then we would call that a victory (at least for that exercise).  If not, the plan was for the exercise to be repeated until someone beat the Head.  Unfortunately some smart alec PAX decided to throw their own pride out the window, destroy the spirit of the workout, and quit early.  Oh well.

Diamond Merkins: Zima

Mary Katherines: The H.O.G.

Pullups: Root Canal

Burpees: Drip

WWIIs: Mutton

Bobby Hurleys Squats: Palin

Hand Release Mike Tysons: Boo Boo

Feet at 6”: Cheesesteak

Because a few of the guys were not gracious houseguests, we ended the Festivus celebration and headed home.  Many of them were in such a rush, they took the expressway (read: ran a lap around the track to stay warm), while others took the slow back roads (read: I walked).  It was a long journey, so we stopped at the tennis shelter for the same pit stop as before.

LOCATION: Tennis Shelter (Pit Stop)

Quick combo circuit 5 times of 5 reps each:

Alternating Step Ups, Dips, Derkins, Pulse Ups

LOCATION: Launch Zone (Festivus Miracles)

Back in the parking lot, the PAX circled up in Plank position and each declared one happy moment that occurred over the last week.  #FestivusMiracles

FESTIVUS OVER.

ANNOUNCEMENTS:

Plunger’s going away party at Speas on Saturday, 12/26 at 8am.

PRAYERS:

Health and Happiness in the New Year

All the sick people.

That everyone get the COVID-19 vaccine.

NAKED MAN MOLESKIN:

Being such a nice guy, the Q did not reach for the low hanging fruit and air the grievance that everyone wanted to say … but I’ve been drinking tonight, so … @Palin posted.  #StandardGrievance

@TheH.O.G. has a very positive view of the world and does not appreciate when others speak ill wills.  The caveat to that is any mumble chatter directed at or about the Q and/or his choice of workouts is completely acceptable.

@Cheesesteak did @Cheesesteak things and made everything harder.  But I did surprisingly witness him doing a high percentage of the called exercises. #ModifyAsNecessary

@RootCanal, the patriarch, was the true Head of Household.  He was the only one to defend his title during Feats of Strength as nobody could best him in pullups.  #OldManStrength #LivingHisBestLife

Just to verify, @BooBoo does not own a van with “Free Candy” painted on the side.  For now, he is still allowed within a quarter mile of an elementary school.  And he will not admit to starring in 80s porn films.  However, he does have a creepy and also kinda sweet stache.  He was last overheard making plans to meet @Turnover at the Lizard Lounge later this evening wearing their leisure suits and gold chains and said something about bringing mustache wax.

@Drip was happy.  @Drip was nice.  @Drip was strong.  @Drip dominated the workout.  None of that should shock anyone.

@TheDeuce made a fly by.  He zoomed in late, making everyone do 5 Burpees, then realized how easy the beatdown was and left early.  #ThanksForStoppingBy #WasItSomethingISaid Seriously though, showing up for part of the beatdown is better than not at all.

Stop me if you’ve heard this before.  @Mutton silently made the rest of us look silly during the workout.  Can someone please find something that challenges him and/or makes him complain?

The @FiveDollarFootlong is BACK BABY!  And hopefully not for a limited time.  That is the true #FestivusMiracle.

Donations have been made in all of your names to the Human Fund.

Zima Out.

Drip, the keys are with the clock in a bag nailed to the wall (search for the true story of Festivus on the interweb to understand).