If it weren’t for those Meddling Kids

If it weren’t for those Meddling Kids

QIC: Zima and Drip

Date: 7/4/2021

PAX: Van Gogh, SuperFly, Tinker, Lysol, Mutton, D-day, Boomer, Cobra, Mongoose, Lemming, Singing Cowboy, High Cotton, Jumper Cables (FNG), Work Bench, Undertow, BooBoo, Picnic Basket, Pony Express, Burlap, Subfloor, Zima, Kyler, Kerik, Crash, Laura Ingalls, Greenspan, Bam Bam, Palin, Mark

Date: 3-July-2021

Location: Convergence, Hanes Park

The PAX: Drip (Master Q)**, Zima (Apprentice Q) *

* Composed by Zima pretending to be Drip

** Edits by Drip are italics

Hi, my name is Drip.  And I am a giant jerkwad, but you already knew that.  To prove the point, I let Zima co-Q with me for a Convergence.  That annoying diminutive garden gnome begged and begged and begged to Q, but there was no way I was going to subject the PAX to an entire hour of his incessant mockery of proper cadence.  I may say nasty things about you behind your back and give you an overcompensating smile, but I’m not that much of a monster. (Really Zima….I was just joking around with Van Gogh when I said that about your form.  He wasn’t supposed to tell you.)  On the other hand, I actually wanted people to show up at the workout so I deviously withheld his name from the Q calendar in order to increase attendance so it wouldn’t just be the two of us staring at each other for 60 minutes in a parking lot. True. The plan was going well, however, he outwitted me and brought those tiny trolls that seem to follow him around.  Hopefully the ridiculously cute kids would occupy him for long enough so we could get down to our real business of accomplishing all 3 Fs and not constantly get yelled at by a guy with a Napoleon complex.

Anyway, let’s get this show started.  Even though I am a master at my highly regarded, monumentally important, and incredibly stressful profession,(a fair amount of exaggeration here Zima) but of when faced with twenty-some bleary-eyed, yawning, possibly hung over, distracted, regular guys that I see almost every gloom, I inexplicably egregiously botched the super simple F3 Mission Statement.  It’s almost like it was my VQ and I’d never recited it before.  I let the pressure get to me.  I floundered.  I flopped.  I Q-failed right off the bat.  (All very true)

WARM-O-RAMA.

Not fully in the right headspace from my flummoxed Mission Statement, I forgot to use inflection on the Side Straddle Hops so the PAX went all Energizer Bunny and kept going and going and going.  Eventually my geriatric brain kicked in and I remembered that I was the Q and stopped at 50.  Hopefully everyone bought the line of BS that I threw out about doing 50 reps for the 50 states. (Dude, you got in 100 SSHs!)

Then I wasted more time and did some FiA stretches. (OK, that is pretty funny Zima…I’ll give you that one)

The parking lot got boring so we headed over to the open softball field in order to spread out and continue stretching.  Bad idea.  Bad freaking idea.  My fault.  I told Zima to bring water guns for the kids to add a little flair.  In retrospect, that wasn’t my finest moment.  But the tiny people seem to have fun and I could tell by the looks on the PAX faces that they really enjoyed it too.  My idea.  All my idea.  Honest.

This is the point where the Sleeveless Wonder rudely interrupted me with those body convulsions that he calls Imperial Stormtroopers.  He mumbled something along the lines of, “This is what everyone came here to see,” but I, along with everyone else, wasn’t listening.  Why can’t he go at a snail’s pace and barely even move his arms and legs like everyone else?  Why?

Enough of this horse dung.  Over to Education Hill.

BEATDOWN.

Just like George Washington crossing the Delaware, (I like how you incorporated the July 4th Holiday….nice touch) we braved a crossing of Silas Creek (over the well-built man-made bridge) and arrived at the foothills of Education Hill.

The idea was a Double Dora Grinder.  There were two stations.  One at the top of Education Hill and one at the bottom all the way across the field.  In teams of three, each team must complete 200 reps of each exercise at the bottom and 200 of each exercise at the top.  The bottom station exercises were: Jump Squats, Iron Mikes, and Reverse Lunges.  The top station exercises were: Hand Release Merkins, Mountain Climbers, and Carolina Dry Docks.  I’m not sure why I expected anything different from this crew, but form and counting were both used extremely liberally.  Sheesh.  I don’t know why I even workout with you people!

Oh wait, we needed to give the 2.0s something to do.  By now, the mini-Zimas had recruited the other offspring to build an almost formidable force.  While the team member in each group was running between stations, if a 2.0 tagged him, he was to immediately do 3 Burpees.  This twist was designed to encourage a little giddyup during the run (yeah, you know who you are) and maybe some Burpee-ing as well to increase fitness.  Sadly, the kids were distracted by the aforementioned water guns and the PAX decided to “run outside the baseline” instead of through the gauntlet, so well … the best laid schemes o’ mice an’ men …  It looked good on paper anyway.

Since the train was starting to come off the tracks, we got off at Omaha (see what I did there?).  The PAX made their way over to the hidden pocket park for some abdominal work.  We did 6 ab exercises: Crunchy Frogs, Heels to Heaven, Gas Pumps, WWIIs, LBCs, and Box Cutters.  All of them were 25 reps in cadence.  Again we incorporated the kids.  While I explained the rules to the PAX, who the hell knows what Zima explained to his kids because they clearly didn’t follow directions.  They were supposed to play Duck Duck Goose with some kind of Burpee penalty for the PAX if they couldn’t catch a 6 year old.  I’m not sure if there was more cheating by the kids or the PAX, but that’s certainly not how I learned to play Duck Duck Goose when I was in grade school back in 1927.  Anyway, we mixed in a few Burpees in between the abs, mostly to give the core a break.

Finally, – and this was all Zima’s idea, so don’t blame me – we headed over to the playground.  Perhaps the kids mutinied and ran to the swings (because that’s what kids do) and being the good parents that we are, we just blindly followed them.  Once there, Zima went to a dark place and employed a fun little piece of a workout that he picked up down range.  It was called Rapid Fire.  25 fast reps of Derkins, Right Leg Pulse Lunges, Irkins, Left Leg Pulse Lunges, and Dips.  Then 20, then 15, then 10, then 5.  No rest.  No stopping.  I’m not even going to pretend that it was a crowd pleaser.  I doubt that anyone, other than my soon-to-be-fired co-Q, enjoyed it.  It was so miserable that we ALL QUIT before the workout was over and left Zima to finish by himself.  Hey, if you don’t like doing the exercise, just quit.  Right?  Which core principle is that again?  I think Zima was probably OK with us doing that.  He seemed pleasantly fine as we walked away. (Zima, I promise I would have come back to get you after the COT.)

DONE.  Thank Goodness.

ANNOUNCEMENTS:

• Happy July 4th and there was a blood drive. 

NAKED MAN MOLESKIN:

• Welcome to Jumper Cables. A cardiologist and a friend of High Cotton.  He was named in 3 seconds flat.  Aside from the above NMM incorporated in the BB…..the true heroes of the day were the 2.0s and 2.1s.  The Lil’ Zs kept the Pax moving and cooled down with the water guns. At least one (of the Lil’Zs, not the guns)  got put in a trash can during Duck Duck Goose by Lysol, but he eventually got out. Laura Ingalls is a very well read young lady and made her Dad pick up his pace through the whole workout. Tough Guy Award goes to Bam Bam who acquired a nice strawberry on his knee in a very public venue, and kept on going. Cobra’s 2.0 (YHC missed his name) and Tinker actually did the whole beatdown and YHC could tell they were wondering what was with all the complaining they had heard about the F3 workouts.  They probably left to get in some more reps of something just to break a sweat.  But the F3 Athlete of Day for this year’s July 4th convergence definitely goes to Mark.  That boy went all Spartan on the obstacles (Palin’s legs) that were put between him and the donuts.  Thanks for a great way to celebrate our nation’s birth.  It was a great gathering of the Dash Pax!

PRAYERS:

• Lots of requests for prayers for comfort and healing of friends and family members of the Pax. 

Because Zima sucks at it, (not true)  I took us out.

Written solely by Drip.  😉