The Shmed 2021 Overnight Beatdown

The Shmed 2021 Overnight Beatdown

QIC: Zima

Date: 8/28/21

PAX: Ziggy Stardust, Crash (DD), Closer, Gilligan, Hooker, Scooby Snacks (FNG), Red Baron, Bevo, Ziffle (DD, 5K rep challenge), H.O.G. (DD, 5K rep challenge), Honey Badger (DD, 5K rep challenge), Van Gogh (DD, 5K rep challenge), Greenspan, Laura Ingalls, BamBam, D-Day (DD), Green Acres, BAM (DD), Plunger (DD), Drama Queen, Atrophy (DD, 5K rep challenge), Bullwinkle (DD, 5K rep challenge), Zima (DD) (plus 2 doubling down 2.0s)

The Shmed overlords did not plan properly for last year’s event when over 40 people (PAX + FiA + 2.0s + innocent bystanders) unexpectedly posted for the 2am workout.  Those are crazy numbers for Winston-Salem!  So to curtail the numbers to a more manageable crowd this year, YHC was asked to Q.  As a faithful servant of the F3 overlords, I dutifully agreed to lead the overnight beatdown this time around.  So what if I’m on #DadDuty?  Doesn’t everyone wake up their small children at 1:30am for calisthenics and burpees?

Knowing that the promise of high monetary donations were on the line (thanks to some true #HIMs), YHC expected a diverse group to show up.  That’s what we’re all about.  All shapes, sizes, colors, preferences, genders (oops, nope), political beliefs, and college loyalties (we are in the South) were likely to be present.  How could I possibly design a beatdown that would physically challenge even the most beastworthy of the PAX, yet promote the guys who rather enjoy the 2nd F, all while keeping the group relatively close to together?  Since my latest failures at my most recent Spartan race are still weighing heavily on my mind (I don’t let things go easily), I hatched a plan to create a mini circuit with a few Spartan-esque obstacles thrown in.  The PAX could do the circuit at their own pace and still be within sight and shouting distance of their compadres.

OK, time to fire up Google Maps satellite view and see what I learn.  Not bad, but I needed more intel.  Due to an untimely, without warning, and completely boneheaded decision, I was told that I had to go back to my office for the first time since March of 2020.  (COMPLAINT ALERT: Yes, I need to sit in my office with the door closed, wear a mask in the hallway, and run Zoom meetings with my coworkers who are sitting in their offices a few feet away from me.  Are you F#&ING kidding me??  How does that make any sense?)  The only silver lining with that is the office is right next to the Fairgrounds so I headed out on a nice 100 degree day in my work attire to walk around the not-so-well secure AO.  I picked up a few more interesting nuggets of ideas and the plan was formed.

Knowing that the hours during Shmed weren’t mine (it’s all about the kids’ dinner, bath, bedtime), I chose to set up for the overnight beatdown prior to Drip’s kickoff beatdown at 6pm on Friday rather than later that evening.  I loaded Thing 1 and Thing 2 in the car, along with all of the props for the workout and headed over to the Fairgrounds early.  As I’m driving over to the launch spot, the wonderful Crisis Control ladies come up to my car and helpfully say, “You have a reputation and you’re insane.”  “Uhhhhhhhhh, hello.  (weird pause)  I’m Zima.  Nice to meet you.”  Somehow I think I have Greenspan to thank for that.

<INSERT COMMENTARY ABOUT DRIP BEING A COMPLETE A-HOLE AND THOROUGHLY DESTROYING THE PAX AT THE KICKOFF BEATDOWN.  BUT AT LEAST HE BROUGHT BEER AND WILL HAVE EXTRA FOR THE OVERNIGHT WORKOUT.>

Fast forward to the wee hours of the morning on game day (i.e Shmed +8H).  Why is it easier to wake up 6 year olds for a 2am beatdown than it is to get them up five and a half hours later for school?  The little rugrats popped right out of bed, got their workout clothes on, declined the option of a snack, checked that I had the most important thing – their bikes, and hopped in the car.  We’re off.  To keep us awake, I blasted the soundtrack from my old high school football highlight films and belted the lyrics right along with Dee Snider.  “We’re not gonna take it.  No, we’re not …”  The kids asked why we were listening to oldies … <enthusiasm bubble bursts>.

We arrived at the launch spot.  I grabbed the kids’ bikes and turned on the blinky light so I wouldn’t lose the little angels (if you’ve been to a workout with my boys, you know why this is necessary), but we probably wouldn’t need them because the AO is lit up.  WAIT!!  What the hell?  The lights aren’t on?  Crap.  Oh well.  Adapt and overcome.  Right?

T minus a few seconds to launch time.  Check the digital HC’s.  Curiously a few PAX are missing (didn’t think I was going to let that one go, did you @Drip and @Burns?).

Ask for FNGs.  No response.

Introduce myself to the PAX and announce that I’ll be the Q for the next hour.  Seemingly everyone else, except for me, knew that this was only a 45 minute beatdown.  Off to a great start so far.

Announce that we will NOT be finishing at the launch spot, but rather over by the circuit area, and will NOT be ending early (see, I told you I don’t let things go easily … see blackblast from last convergence).

Warmaramamamamamama.

Some stupid time-wasting BS.  It’s 2am.  It’s probably about 95 bloody degrees and 1,000% humidity.  Everybody is warm already.  Let’s just get started.

The Beatdown

Run around the pitch black, dark course.  Shaped kind of like a W with a short loop on top.

Station 1: Hand Release Spider Merkins x 10

Station 2: Bobby Hurley x 20

Station 3: Burpees x 10

Station 4: Up and over picnic tables

Station 5: Bear crawl x 185 feet

Station 6: Burpees x 10

Station 7: Iron Mikes x 10 (DC)

Station 8: Heels to Heaven x 20

Station 9: Heavy Carry x 350 feet (Buckets, Atlas Stones, Dumbbells, Kettlebells, Cinder Blocks, Small Children)

Rinse and Repeat.

DONE.

Dangerous Thoughts from the Q’s Head:

• THANK YOU to everyone who embarked on that crazy journey with me (although I couldn’t see you because the lights weren’t on)!  Thanks to CCM and the F3 organizers who allowed me to Q.  Thanks especially to my little ones who excitedly let their dad wake them up in the middle of the night so he could selfishly go workout.
• To start, the PAX did a demonstration lap of the course together where the Q helpfully modeled perfect form on each exercise.  Clearly no one paid attention.  Sometimes I wonder why I bother …
• The picnic tables were so much harder than YHC had thought.  Wow.  Not a crowd pleaser.  Not a Q pleaser.  Those will definitely make a return appearance somehow someway.
• The PAX got in between 3 and 5 laps.  Or at least I think they did because I couldn’t see a damn thing without the lights on.
• By the accounts afterwards, quite a few of the PAX said the beatdown was worth their time so although I didn’t get to see everyone, I think they put in some hard work.
• There were some weird alien-like colored lights streaking through the darkened course with loud annoying sounds coming from all directions.  Oh wait, that was just my kids not listening to me.
• WHAT?!?!  There was an FNG here the whole time?  It would have been nice to be able to see!  Why didn’t he respond when I asked for FNGs at the beginning?  Ahhhh, there’s the fallacy in the logic.  If nobody brings the FNG, how is he supposed to know he’s an FNG?  Oops.  More on him later.
• Q Fail: Only lighting up the tiny bikers and not bringing enough blinky lights for everyone.
• Did I mention that the lights were not on?

FNG:

• Huddled under the low light of one of the concession stands, we learned about Ryan Moody.  He just started working at Crisis Control Ministries (his first big event) and is freshly minted out of UNCW where he studied Communications and Marketing.  He was probably tricked into joining the workout since I assume he drew the short straw and had to man the event tent overnight.  #PledgeRules  He has some crazy hair so the name Shaggy was thrown out.  Then from the darkness, someone very excitedly shouted Scooby Snacks!  #RuhRoh

Announcements:

• The Shmed 5K run at 8am.

Prayers:

• Giles’s wife, Laura.
• Jazzy’s wife, Elizabeth.
• Boomerang’s family.
• Safe and successful Shmedfest.

The H.O.G. took us out

Zima out.