Jailbreak
QIC: Zima
Date: 3/19/22
PAX: Subfloor, Cruiser, Adobe, Ziffel, Drip, Schneider, Huckleberry, Crash, Sour Mash, Offsides, Van Gogh, Bullwinkle (kinda), Zima (Q)
WARMUP. SSH, Whirlies, Michael Phelps, Imperial Stormtroopers [at this point, Bullwinkle leaves]
BEATDOWN.
The prison guards are watching us carefully so we must be cunning with our plan. We’ve secretly removed some cinder blocks out of the prison wall in preparation for our escape, but can’t leave the evidence around for the guards to see. We must keep the blocks with us at all times. Also, in an effort to not give away our intentions, we’ll do our exercises in the correct manner, paying attention to proper form or else the guards will know we’re distracted, thinking about our pending escape. While the guards are eyeballing us, we’ll perform the next Prison Yard exercise on the list. Then, we’ll carry the blocks with us to our cell. Since space is limited in the cells, we can only do abdominal exercises. We’ll do all 4 in sequence without a break and then head back to the prison yard, with our blocks, of course, since we don’t want the guards to find them when they do a sweep of our cells. Keep methodically working through this plan until we’ve completed all of the Prison Yard exercises. If we are so fast and finish the list, we’ll start over. At certain intervals, there is a shift change of the guards (each set of 4 Prison Yard exercises). That is our opportunity to Jailbreak run to our cells (no blocks) and grab some extra tools. But we must hurry. Find 20 American Hammers and Jailbreak run back to the Prison Yard before anyone notices.
Location Notes:
Prison – The ROCC (for licensing rights, we need to use the extra ‘C’ instead of a ‘K’)
Prison Yard – by the side entrance with the Welcome sign
Cell – the Discipline Center
PRISON YARD REPS x20
BLOCKEES
CURL PRESSES
BLOCK SWINGS
ABYSS MERKINS
<Jailbreak. American Hammer x20. Jailbreak>
JUMP OVER BURPEES
ALPOS
BLOCK THRUSTERS
SIDE-TO-SIDE MERKINS
<Jailbreak. American Hammer x20. Jailbreak>
DEEP WEIGHTED REVERSE LUNGES
TRICEP PRESSES
DERKINS
HEAVY PANTS
<Jailbreak. American Hammer x20. Jailbreak>
IN OUR CELLS REPS x5
BOX CUTTERS
GAS PUMPS
HEELS TO HEAVENS
LOW DOLLIES
ESCAPED!!
WARDEN’S JOURNAL:
Reports are still coming in, but somewhere around a dozen inmates broke out of The ROCC this morning. Things began ominously as the hooligans were rowdy early on with the ruckus culminating in an eventual prison break. It all started early as 5 scouts (Van Gogh, Ziffel, Bullwinkle, Crash, and Zima) did some pre-dawn reconnaissance work with a mysterious collaborator named Murph. They were soon seen testing the structural integrity of the cinder blocks before the rest of the chain gang arrived.
As the crowd in the Prison Yard swelled, the guards were on edge. The inmates began to encircle one diminutively angry man, but it was unclear whether they were in league with him or arguing profusely with him. Their initial movements were neither fluid nor synchronized and resembled a troop of newborn baboons trying out their limbs for the first time. At this point, the guards began to relax because clearly this bunch of idiots from the nearby village were not organized and wildly disobedient. However this could have been a ruse as later review of the surveillance video revealed a grifter, originally from the western part of the country, nicknamed for one half of a cartoon character duo, slipping away and boldly sneaking into the administrative area of the prison.
After what could be considered the planning meeting, the band of criminals slowly moved to an area of the yard near the wall. They started participating in some type of activity that could only be described as maybe jazzercise or pilates with lots of jumping and clapping. The disorganization was rampant. This was especially evident when the fizzy malt beverage from the mid-90s shouted instructions and a very sour man responded with loud, disrespectfully defiant “NO” and declined to join the rest of the group. His file said that he’s not right in the head due to his formative years when, as a baby, his mother used to put a little too much bourbon on his gums or in his bottle when he was teething. A soon-to-be-deported, well built, member of the Polish mafia was heard muttering incoherently in a heavy Slavic accent. Linguistic experts are attempting to decipher these messages as they could lead to further clues of the gang’s plans. An elderly jailbird, who received federal funding to get a bionic knee implanted, often asked the younger inmates if they even knew what life was like in prison. Obviously content to finish out his golden years behind bars, he still aided the young whippersnappers with an incomprehensible, ecstatic, youthful smile on his face. I don’t think he knew what was going on. Senility must be nice.
Later investigation by the Bureau of Prisons showed that the inmates were actually removing blocks from the wall during the obviously designed to be distracting “exercises”. When free time was over, the inmates were sent to special cells in the discipline center. Moving quite laboriously on the journey (again, it was later determined that they had concealed the cinder blocks on their persons the entire time), they appeared restless when they got there and convulsed in odd looking motions involving their abdomens. The chaotic discombobulation of exercise form and cinder block carrying methods was meant to mislead the ‘eye in the sky’. Video analysis showed some had multiple blocks, some had only a single, a few toted around the smaller version, and the true degenerates openly dissented and risked carrying none. The strategy clearly worked as a tatt’ed up bald leader of a biker gang often had trouble concealing his massive guns under his prison garb, but that weaponry went unnoticed by the guards. This beast of a man was in and out of juvie most of his young life, committing his first felony when he stole his little brother’s tricycle. His antics were definitely not getting him any time off for good behavior. Neither was the other member of the geriatic club who has yet to learn the fallacy of loose lips. His medical records were lost in the prison transfer, but it’s safe to say that his true age is nowhere near what he claims as nobody so advanced in years should be able to work that hard. However, since he’s on the wrong side of the line, it’s a wonder he hasn’t been shanked in the shower. He needs to learn from the newest man to reach the 4 full decades of life club, the silent assassin under the floor. He was on the opposite end of the behavior spectrum and was a true team player as he completed his necessary tasks while refusing to complain. Other than the escape attempt, which he might have been emotionally headlocked into, he’s quite the model prisoner. His case should be studied further to figure out if he was wrongfully convicted.
This pattern of free time and cell swapping continued for close to an hour while the precursor to Truly and White Claw barked highly encouraging, and in no way detrimental, remarks to the other prisoners. He has true leadership qualities. A weak point of the guard shift change was highlighted when some of the inmates were seen sprinting back and forth to the cells to grab U.S.-manufactured hammers, clearly used to chip away at the blocks. A man jailed for impersonating a dutch master (and even sometimes insultingly calling himself “The Warden”) was seen running point on many of the operations. Perhaps there was some type of PEDs in his paint set because the labor camp aspect of the plan did not seem to affect him in the slightest bit. Although initially thought of as the hired muscle, as one passing guard pointed out, everyone else had cinder blocks while he shamefully had not one. That could have been the reason he was moving so quickly. It does not explain how the floating coronavirus laboratory was always so close on his heels though. Never far behind, that dude wanted the escape to be over quickly. Using Maxar satellite imagery, the wall was seen to be slowly diminishing, but apparently not quickly enough for one brightly colored, large feathered bird who used his inhuman leaping ability to bound over the wall well before the operation was complete, leaving behind the rest of the group. I guess there is no honor among thieves. He has yet to be recaptured. The PDF-maker who was incarcerated for forgery broke through the tightly guard-controlled messaging system and organized a propaganda campaign. Leaflets found littered throughout the city exposed the information that the meetup for this cult will take place in two weeks at a public park in the next town over. Authorities will be on hand with K-9s and shotguns. One inanimate collision victim whose disguise is fooling no one is the wannabe drag queen, who if memory serves correctly, is doing time for playing with too many blowup dolls. His svelte physique betrays his strategy of altering his manly appearance with lady-like flowing locks of hair to hide in plain sight.
After all of the hard work, the wall came crashing down. The inmates quickly gathered together for apparently a quick goodbye ceremony in Fight Club-like fashion revealing biographic information, announcing future plans, and even listening to some type of sermon. Then they rapidly dispersed in different directions relishing in their freedom.
The Village Marshalls have been called in to lead the capture efforts of the escaped inmates. In the meantime, be safe, shelter in place, lock your doors, and don’t talk to any strange men with three Fs prison insignia espousing some cult-like rhetoric of working out, finding friends, and believing in some higher calling.
ANNOUNCEMENTS:
- Convergence on April 2 at Hanes Park
PRAYERS:
- Offsides’s anniversary. 18 glorious years.
Zima Out.
