Et tu, F3?

Et tu, F3?

QIC: Zima

Date: 3/15/23

PAX: Drama Queen, Chubz, Rubber Ducky, Cherry Pie, Drip, Workbench, Van Gogh, Turnover, Root Canal, Zima

Dear reader, please afford your humble correspondent some artistic liberty and creative license here.  Although the Meadowlark area does not yet hold the prestige of the great city of Rome, let us remember that Rome wasn’t built in a day – but it damn sure took less time than the Meadowlark Drive road upgrade project – I digress.  We may not have the Theatre of Pompey or Seven Hills or the iconic Tiber River, but we do have a covered structure with picnic tables and Big Ass fans that are mysteriously on all year long, a Hill to Nowhere, and a polluted Muddy Creek.  So basically Jamison Park and Rome are mirror images of each other.

Since the details of the events from this morning have been passed down by ancient biographers, some of the facts may be a bit fuzzy.

Let us travel back to the year of Julius Caesar’s assassination, 44 BC ….

As the Senators gathered, all donned in eloquent period garb relative to the appropriate year, in the marshy (but somehow paved) field for the journey to the Theatre of Jamison, the Meadowlark winds brought a slight chill to the air.  The princeps senatus, Workbench, maintained law and order in his domain of Mayhem, only ceding temporary power for brief morning durations on the 4th weekly celestial day.  Under the command of Emperor Zima in this gloom, these pillars of antiquity (some more antique than others) partook in a ritual of Side Straddle Hopping.  In what can only be described as an homage to the pagan god, Whirly, they next produced Clapping noises.

Knowing time was short, the little dictator instructed the statesman to make their way to the base of one of the Seven Hills of Meadowlark, known as the Hill to Nowhere.  It was here that Cherry Pie the Elder finally decided to grace the fellow PAX with his presence, obviously having been delayed by extra long sessions with his harem.  In tribute to the man, the entire Senate performed 5 Burpees.

To prepare the fine dignitaries of F3 society for an important day ahead, the leader kindly suggested that the men ignite their abdominal muscles with the original Roman free weights – rocks, all strategically pre-selected by the entirety of the Emperor’s servants (read: himself).  Since today is the Ides, which occurs on the 15th day during the third month (March) of the Roman Calendar, 3 exercises were chosen.  15 reps each, then hold for 15 seconds.  No breaks.  Regular Crunches, LBCS, and Gas Pumps.  The boisterous men let out grunts, hoots, and hollers to express their pleasure with this simple display of fitness.

It was time to resume the journey so the PAX entered the Burpee Colosseum (BC) and Reverse Peloton’ed up the Hill to Nowhere while carrying their Roman rocks.  Medicus Drip the Creepy, with his way-before-its-time futuristic cyborg technology, set his bionic knee to mountain domination mode as he smoothly glided up the hill.  The Emperor’s latin translations were less than optimal so when he instructed the Senators to slow mosey, something must have been lost in the vernacular because this mode of transportation was more akin to a sprint.

At the top of the Hill to Nowhere, each Senator carefully listened as Julius Zima unleashed his public proclamation about the remainder of the beatdown.  Historians will later note that this was the pivotal moment when the assassination plot was hatched by the bat-flipping co-conspirators, Van “Brutus” Gogh and Cherry “Cassius” Pie as from then on, they were only seen in passing glances until the end of the beatdown.  With unbridled strength and speed, they resembled gladiators more than Senators.  Loosely translated from the works of ancient royal scribes, the weinke said the men were to Run down the hill, stopping at 4 stations along the way: top, first curve, second curve, and bottom.  At each station, they were to perform an exercise 11 times.  Once at the bottom, they were to go back up the hill and repeat the process.  Respectively, the exercises were WMD Burpees, 180 Degree Burpees, Bear Burpees, and Spider Burpees.  As the story goes, performances related to form varied greatly from Senator to Senator, probably due to differing dialects of the Meadowlarkonian exicon and thus caused a misunderstanding of what was expected.  On each subsequent trip down the hill, each Senator was to move a rock down one station and perform 11 Rockees there, replacing the usual exercise, until all rocks were returned to the bottom.

Imagine the year to be 44 BC.  44 Burpees in the Burpee Colosseum (BC). 

Ever faithful, General Rubber “Mark Antony” Ducky and Root “Gaius Octavius” Canal flanked the tiny authoritarian for most of the workout as protection against the assassins, often slowing down to wait.  However Rubber Ducky secured the honorable Chubz’s allegiance (cajoling, trickery, bribery), he became a valuable soldier powering through the workout with nary a complaint.  The haruspex, Drama Queen, was overheard warning of the sheer stupidity of the workout leading to Zima’s eventual demise.  DQ’s best soothsaying days are most likely behind him now as the “Ides of March have gone”.

Returning fresh from recruiting campaigns in the outer territory, specifically a Planet entirely dedicated to Fitness, Turnoverius the Frigid proved that his personal workout regimen of using someplace called, “inside”, was superior by scoffing at its creator and making easy work of this beatdown.

Fearing a coup was upon them, the diminutive Emperor commanded the men to descend the hill one last time, hoping to trick the antagonists into remaining at the summit.  Outwitted however, the plan was foiled and all of the Senators regrouped, forcing the Emperor to face his ultimate fate.  The esteemed politicians ominously surrounded him one final time in a circle and announced to the world their presence so as to be recorded in the annals of history on this fateful day.  Unable to escape, Emperor Zima approached each man in an attempt to offer an ancient tradition of a conciliatory fist bump and in the end, was heard saying prayers.  The old texts differ on the next sequence of events and Zima’s last words as Q, but popular theory points to him declaring, “Et tu, F3?”