Almost Heaven, West Virginia

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Almost Heaven, West Virginia

QIC: Ragnar Events, Inc.

Date: 8.12 - 8.13.22

PAX: THE Singing Cowboy (WD, Team 1 capt), Harden, Sweet Tea, Huckleberry, Workbench, Wild Thing (Cowboy's 2.0), 60 Minutes, former FNG Thanos, Burns (WB, Team 2 capt.), Double Wide, Van Gogh, Greenspan, U-Turn, Turnover, Wobegon

Ringer: Marvel (F3 Pittsburgh)

Driver: Former FNG Frizzle

Honorable Mentions: Gemini and Cena (F3 Pittsburgh)

13 Pax of F3WS, 2 friends of Cowboy’s (and any friend of Cowboy’s is a friend of mine), and one 14-year-old superhuman from F3 Pittsburgh met up for an experience unrivaled by any other, at least in the state of West Virginia on this particular weekend.

WoR: Clown cars left the dash area around appx 10:30AM, noon, and 2:00PM on Thursday the 11th. The first clown car, containing Harden, Sweet Tea, and 60 Minutes claimed prime real estate at Cowboy’s campsite. The second car, with Workbench, Huck, VG, and Greenspan, rolled in and got the fire going, tents erected, and the grill hot. By the time the third car, with YHC, U-turn, Turnover, and Double Wide were gracefully ushered to the site by the Cowboy himself, a full steak dinner was ready to be devoured. I’m talking the works. Ryan’s steaks provided and grilled by Sweet Tea, a potato casserole cooked by Cowboy’s lovely M, some other baked potatoes, and grilled corn. Seriously…wtf??? Talk about some race fuel. In addition to the feast, many beers and shots of bourbon were poured, some cornholes were tossed, more tents were erected (I’ve now used “erected” twice in a backblast – new F3WS record, and it’s only the second paragraph), and some excited runners settled in for the night. A light drizzle fell through the early part of the evening, and some harder showers fell briefly once or twice, but overall the evening was as pleasant as could have been imagined.

YHC missed out on the morning wakeup call due to a volunteer commitment, but the rumor has it that some delicious hotcakes were thrown on the griddle by Chef Huck, who also provided some pour-over coffee to bleary-eyed pax needing to perk up in the chilly West Virginia morning air. Workbench & Huck also brought some pre-made breakfast burritos stuffed with eggs and sausage made from a hog that Workbench hunted earlier this year. All but one of them had pico because someone (TO) doesn’t like tomatoes, but Huck forgot to label which one it was so it turned into a delicious game of Russian Roulette.

The Thang: Friday morning. Team 1 began at 10:00AM, Team 2 began at 1:00 PM. 8-man teams of runners take turns traversing three different trails, rated green, yellow, and red.

The Green Loop: Appx 3.5 miles of nothing but rocks and mud, appx. 325 ft elevation gain. Van Gogh’s favorite loop. About 3/4ths of a mile downhill away from the race village felt very dangerous when YHC was running it on my overnight leg. The loop flattened out for a while before almost taking runners into the state of Maryland. A couple of challenging uphill climbs brought you back to the race village where the trail connected with Yellow & Red to bring you back to the finish line.

The Yellow Loop: Everyone but Van Gogh’s favorite loop. Appx 4.6 miles, appx. 315 elev gain. Leaving the campsite the loop wound through the woods and up a gradual incline. Some rockst, roots, and larger boulders made the beginning a little more technical, but then the trail dumped out into a beautiful pine grove and began a more pronounced ascent up a ridge on the north side of the campsite. As you crested the ridge the view opened and runners got a magnificent panorama view of the valley surrounding Bruceton Mills, WV. Truly awe-inspiring. So much so that YHC was giddy to have ran it twice. The trail then meandered back to meet up with the red loop, and shortly after the reunification hit you with the “nut-punch” – a short but steep hill that signaled you were just over a mile out from the finish line. Lovely.

The Red Loop: A path carved out of the trees by the devil himself. Appx 6.5 miles, appx. 800 elev gain. 2 miles of simple enough trail lull you to sleep before you realize you forgot to pack your mountain climbing equipment for the running event you left home for over 24 hours ago. A good hard quarter- to half-mile of scrambling over some serious rocky terrain that had been muddied up a good bit by Thursday night’s rain shower and the hundreds of runners taking their turns on the soul-snatching trail. Once you emerged from the danger, a slow hill became steeper and steeper until you were wondering how the race committee was able to somehow pick up Manly Street, bring it to the West Virginia wilderness, and cover it with roots and mud for your “pleasure.” The last 2.5 miles would have been legitimately enjoyable if not for the previous 4 and the fact that your legs were on the verge of giving out. Oh yeah, and the same nut-punch hill at the end.

Both teams finished in just over 24 hours time.

Naked Man Moleskine: 

  • Team 2 was down a runner, so YHC, U-Turn, and Turnover picked up the extra legs. U-Turn did so without having agreed to it before the weekend…he just happened to still be at our staging site when it became apparent that Wobegon would not make it up from work Friday in time for his first leg so he jumped into action. Turnover agreed to an extra red loop for a case of White Claws…so anything difficult that you’ve been putting off for a while, just remember that every man’s got a price. And Turnover’s is about $19 worth of shitty lo-carb alcohol.
  • Huckleberry was on his overnight loop when he came across a nice young woman who was struggling and needed an extra light. Upon noticing that he was prepared and had both a headlamp and a body lamp, she asked him if he had one to spare. We all know the gentleman that Huckleberry is, of course he lent her his body light and went on his way. He then waited at the finish line for over an hour and did not see her come across…the broad had conned him! The next morning out of curiosity he checked with the Ragnar HQ tent to see if anything had been turned in, and lo and behold! His light was there! Except…it was covered in blood. Have fun explaining that one to the M, Huck
  • Also, while Huck was waiting to be taken back to the campsite from our staging area, he had 2+ beers, was soaked in sweat, and the temps were settled nicely n the low-50s. If cell service were available up in them woods we would have received the following Slack message at 6:53 AM: “Cold drunk and lonely up here”
  • Singing Cowboy was one of two pax unable to run due to some unforseen last-minute circumstances, so YHC solicited far and wide on the F3 Nation slack channels to see if we could find replacements. I was contacted by Gemini from Pittsburgh about his nephew who was interested in joining us, he’s been running half-marathons since he was 11, is training for a Spartan Sprint, has done other Spartan races, Tough Mudders, yada yada yada, and he had the nerve to ask how competitive we were trying to be – to which I responded with some quip about bourbon and beer and being out of shape. The kid, Marvel, hospital name Benjamin, stepped up into the role of Runner 1 and was team MVP by a country mile. It was a blast getting to know him and his uncle and their pal Cena.
  • Speaking of Gemini and Cena, they ran the Black Loop race and finished 2nd. Look it up if you’re curious and ready to be appalled. Zima, you’ve already been toetagged to do it with Van Gogh next year.
  • Cowboy also recruited a buddy from up thataways to run with team one. He began the weekend as Ohio Jack and ended it as Thanos, because he was the only runner to beat Marvel on any loop.
  • Cowboy’s other friend Joe helped run the golf cart shuttle from the campsite to the race village. Our collective brain power was not enough to recall the name of the driver of the Night Bus in the Harry Potter series…Greenspan was adamant that it was Eddie…turns out it was Ernie Prang. We scrapped the idea and named him Frizzle. That’s Mrs. Frizzle to you.
  • In addition to playing Gordon Ramsay on Thursday night, Sweet Tea was amazing on the trails. His heartfelt review of the red loop: “It was absolutely horrible, just horrible.  I loved it.  It was horrible.”
  • Wobegon was coming from behind and had a shorter rest between his first (green) and second (red) loops than he would have liked. Didn’t matter, he still laid down the law. From the nantan himself: “If anyone wonders if F3 works: 5 years ago I was a bundle of nerves running a 5k for the first time: on flat concrete in broad day light. Now I just did…what we just did. I appreciate you all so much.”
  • U-Turn and Double Wide stepped up about a month ago when we had some guys get hit with unavoidable work and/or family things for the weekend. I was thrilled to get to ride up and back with both of them and spend plenty of time with them at the campsite. Glad to say I made a couple of lifelong friends this weekend.
  • Despite TO running the extra red loop, U-Turn takes home Team 2 MVP honors for gracing us with his campfire cooking on Friday night mid-race. As we were filtering in and out from the race, he lined up two massive salmon filets over the campfire and toasted up some bread around if for damn near the most perfect camping snack I’ve ever had. It may just have been my exhaustion and ravenous hunger (and I strongly doubt that possibility) but henceforth, U-Turn’s salmon toast will be the benchmark for any meal I have the rest of my life, camping or not.
  • The unofficial drink of the trip was America’s best award-winning beer, Pabst Blue Ribbon. YHC is a sucker for em, as is Double Wide, and it turns out that there’s many other fans amongst the dash pax. YHC demanded one be passed to me as I cross the finish line each time, and a few other pax got that privilege too. From Workbench: “Had a blast, lots of great memories this weekend.  [My favorite moment] is getting handed a PBR after my first leg and chugging it going over the bridge.  Then thinking about my Grandfather, who passed away 3 weeks ago, that was born and raised in West Virginia, and how no matter what kind of fancy restaurant we would take him to would always want to order a regular old PBR.”
  • Following the 2 teams’ completion of the physical requirements to get a t-shirt and a medal, we showered up and went to Screech Owl Brewing Co. which is a must-visit the next time you’re in Cuzzart Mtn., WV. Beers, food, and fellowship were all elite, and the presence of chickens and roosters roaming the premises led to 60 Minutes making a lot of cock jokes.
  • After the Screech Owl trip some of the most intense power napping to ever have occurred this side of the Yadkin River came to be. YHC sawed more logs than the lumberjack world championships.
  • The prime real estate at the campsite mentioned earlier – Harden and 60 Minutes got to sleep with a roof over their heads unlike the rest of us. Cowboy’s “Love Shack” was pre-furnished with cots and a mini-fridge…reeks of a WeFoCo inside job to me.
  • At one point after finishing a leg U-Turn was so delirious that he thought Double Wide was Van Gogh. A lot of people were making a big deal out of this but they’re both tall, red-headed, and handsome so I don’t really see what the problem is.
  • After finishing up my last leg I was cramping everywhere. If you flip through the photos you can see the pain clear as day on my face (pre-PBR). Didn’t hydrate adequately, despite the consumption of many many fluids. I could hardly shower due to every movement causing some muscle I didn’t know I had to contract in upon itself. I felt as if I may have turned into a black hole at any minute. I posited out loud that every cramp has an equal and opposite cramp and Turnover mentioned he thinks Churchill said that. Cowboy believes it’s the second law of thermodynamics. I think they’re both right.
  • Wild Thing and Harden went on about a 15-game cornhole winning streak Saturday evening, and Harden eventually retired on top (read: needed a bourbon refill).
  • Doublewide:  “what’s your contribution to this, other than running?”
    Greenspan:  “I brought a tent.”
    DW:  “Oh, can I sleep in it?”
  • Greenspan had nutella for the first time Saturday night and was transported to another dimension.
  • The fireside conversation Saturday evening on the innate goodness of campfire hot dogs bordered on the theological. There was a bit more unsettled business in the matter of fried pickles, though.
  • It’s U-Turn’s birthday today (Sunday) and he didn’t tell anybody.
  • Many, many more fun memories and stories that will be shared in the weeks to come.
  • View some photos from the trip here: https://photos.app.goo.gl/WogKcpVvsnqp4J6Q9

Circle of Trust: None, officially. A brief word from the heart, though. I will remember this weekend fondly for a long time. If you haven’t had the opportunity to do something like this with your fellow pax, consider this a gentle push from YHC to give it some thought. Push back against those fears that you won’t be in good enough shape or you won’t get along with everyone or you don’t have the time or energy to train.  If you’re going to F3 workouts even on a semi-regular basis, I can say with confidence that all three of those statements are blatant lies. So whether it be next year’s Appalachian Trail Relay, a Bourbon Chase, a Tuna 200, Pilot Mtn to Hanging Rock, Blue Ridge Relay, Smoky Mountain Relay, or something else, when the time comes along just know that you will not for a single second regret saying “yes” to the EH from a fellow pax. I’m sore, I’m tired, I’m thankful, and I’ll See You In The Gloom.