The 12 Pains of Christmas, Presented by The Grinch
QIC: Zima
Date: 12/20/22
PAX: Drip (creepy grin made creepier by that half-shaved lab rat on his upper lip), Bevo (Site Q extraordinaire), Root Canal (old), Turnover (cold), Van Gogh (too far ahead of everyone else), Huckleberry (Workbench’s chauffeur), Chick Flick (baby face), Rubber Ducky (beast mode), Lamb Chop (stay off the interweb), Workbench (Chippendale), Cherry Pie (not really a respect), Burns (baby, but not the WB for once!!), Mutton (we’re not friends tonight), Wobegon (not going to throw shade on the overlord), Spicoli (set the f’ing alarm clock 5 minutes earlier), Zima (Q)
YHC put out a preblast that honestly should have caused most of the attendees to make other plans for a chilly Tuesday morning. What the hell were those 15 guys thinking? 15? Really, 15 at Flatline?! Yippee!
BEATDOWN.
The Grinch doesn’t do things the normal Christmas-y way, so we’re going to reverse that holly jolly song. In The 12 Pains of Christmas, the order is: 12, then 12 + 11, the 12 + 11 + 10 etc. Here are the exercises.
12: Hundred Feet of Sleigh Riding [Mosey]
11: Christmas Present Cutters [Box Cutters]
10: Diamond Earring Burpees [You know, diamond earrings. The gift you’re “supposed” to get your wife.]
9: Hillbilly Toy Soldier Squats
8: Shoulder Tap Merry Mike Tysons [Merry is the word that comes to mind when you think of him, right?]
7: Dreidel Squats [Ratchet Squats – DC]
6: Rudolphs [Red Nose Tap Hand Release Merkins] Note: If anyone can figure out how to tap your nose without releasing your hands, I’d like to know. Wait, on second thought, DON’T tell me. Nevermind.
5: Grinch Getups [Prisoner Getups]
4: Rooftop Hopping Dominick the Christmas Donkey Kicks [Donkey Kicks with a Stand Up Side-to-Side Jump]
3: Super “North” Stars [Mary Katherines – DC]
2: Plank Jack “Frost” WMDs
1: Hundred Christmas Truces [WWIs]
DONE.
MUSIC SELECTION
- We’ll just say that most of the songs could qualify as Christmas music.
THOUGHTS.
- A (3 sizes bigger) heartfelt thank you to all who attended today. It was cold. It was dark. That workout sucked. But doing it without you guys would have been miserable.
- The Q started the beatdown right out of the gates. 5:30, let’s go! The PAX dutifully started the mumblechatter .05 seconds later.
- Let’s not measure the moseying. Please just take my word for it. And since nobody has any orange cones (ahem), we don’t need them to mark the corners.
- While we’re at it, who talks about breaking out a tape measure on a first date?
- Is anyone else concerned about the type of porn that Lamb Chop watches? I didn’t even know reindeer porn was a thing.
- Either Cherry Pie doesn’t respect the Q enough to show up on time (hmmm?) or he thought we’d be starting with arm circles and wanted to avoid them. Whichever it is, when he finally arrived, he jumped right up front and never left the lead pack of reindeer.
- This beatdown will not be the worst part of Mutton’s day. #GoDeacs
- Root Canal is weird. There’s something wrong with that dude. But you know what? He’s going to work his ass off and give at least 111% each time he shows up. He ain’t going to quit either. No way.
- Bevo’s exercise form is a thing of beauty. We all could learn a few things from him. But bless his heart; he tries so hard at the mumblechatter. It’s precious.
- Van Gogh drove the team all morning and was utterly determined to complete the entire workout. YHC thought he and Huckleberry would do it too, right up until the end when the last two rounds kicked all of us in the nuts.
- In an odd bit of late night posting (perhaps fueled by some double IPAs), Burns said he was excited about the upcoming beatdown. I’m quite sure that excitement was decimated as soon as the Burpee round started and the ensuing math equations were calculated for the number of reps to be completed.
- Drip is creepy. The nice guy demeanor is surely an act though, right? Do we think he has a stash of dead bodies in his basement or maybe burns ants with a magnifying glass in his spare time? He gave a lame attempt at G-rated trash talk this morning, but listening to that is on par with watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on Disney Junior. #DreamBigPrincess And talk about ‘stashes (see what I did there?), is he allowed anywhere near elementary schools with that thing?
- Chick Flick was a little too chipper this morning. When I was 25, the only time I saw 5:30am was when I was crawling home from the bars. Mucho respect for that young whippersnapper!
- Rubber Ducky is quickly learning the ropes of F3. He was certainly getting a full education this morning and from the sounds of it, that dude will be posting regularly.
- Despite Huck’s attempt to modify each exercise to his own liking before the Q could explain (stop being so damn far ahead!), he still absolutely obliterated the workout – to no one’s surprise. I kept trying to calculate the speed of his reps, but eventually just submitted to the fact that he’s not human and his only kryptonite may be the bicep curl (conveniently not included today).
- Although I was not cool enough to be in every conversation (felt like I was back in high school), the tidbits of 2nd F that I heard were nothing short of classic. Well done sharing the love, gentlemen. That’s what this group workout thing is all about.
- True to form, Spicoli arrived at, well let’s just say, Spicoli Time. But here’s the thing, and yes I’m going to sell him out. Our follically-challenged friend texted me the night before asking about the first workout spot in the event he’d be running a few minutes late. Let’s dissect that for a minute. If he knew BEFOREHAND that he’d be late, doesn’t it seem wise that he should employ some countermeasures to prevent said action of arriving late? Just something to ponder.
- Workbench was eagerly and quickly shedding clothing. I think he was about to go full Chippendale when there were calls of “put it back on”. Obviously when a man works THAT hard, he’s going to generate some heat.
- I’m pretty sure many of today’s exercises were not on Wobegon’s most favorite list. But I didn’t hear a single complaint out of him (was I not listening hard enough?), just the sounds of dominating personal challenges. Is he a silent sufferer or a silent assassin? You choose. Let’s put out a Twitter poll.
- Turnover, is Planet Fitness on holiday hours this week? (Still funny) Maybe the juice bar and shiatsu massage room are closed? Actually, since the guy has such an aversion to working out outdoors in the sub-85 degree weather, I feel I owe him a debt of gratitude for showing up this morning.
- BAM was not there so I can’t include him in the backblast. Shit, I just did. Oh well. I guess while I’m at it, Mongoose, Mongoose, Mongoose.
- It was duly noted that, like my kids, Burns did the exact opposite of my instructions. #YouDoYou I was too confused to really pay attention, but I think he still did all of the exercises, just in reverse order. Whatever.
- Kudos to TO who correctly called out the meaning of the Christmas Truce exercise.
- Workbench was very afraid that the 12 Pains of Christmas will make a reappearance tomorrow at Mayhem. I promised him that the cardboard won’t, but there will be an airing of grievances. I didn’t say anything about WIB though.
- It was unanimously agreed upon that Burnsy Claus’s cardboard was better than YHC’s. Ironically, YHC’s didn’t include any middle fingers.
- Actual gratitude was shared for keeping the group mostly together. Thank you, and I too, agree. It’s much more fun when everyone gives it their all, but can stay together. The camaraderie this morning was off the charts.
- There was a real Ball of Man at COT! Lots of dudes hugging it out.
ANNOUNCEMENTS:
- Convergence Saturday at 7am at Alcatraz. Bonus opportunity: Murph at 6am.
- OH BOY! OH BOY! OH BOY! Cherry Pie on the Q at Conspiracy. Drip on the Q at Bells n Whistles. Zima on the Q at Mayhem. You certainly will get your money’s worth at one of the first two options!! Lots of mumbles, groans, and threats of sleeping in.
- Tomorrow at Mayhem, we will celebrate a holiday a bit early that falls on December 23 …. FESTIVUS FOR THE REST OF US.
- Neither the Launchpad or The Iron Throne have Qs for Monday. Either step up to lead or converge with the Idiots.
- If you want to become a Site Q, there are a lot of opportunities coming up.
- Saturday, January 7 = F3WS 9 year anniversary convergence!
- Friday, January 6 = volunteering at Augsburg Overflow Shelter (see Wobegon)
PRAYERS:
- Holiday travels
- New and upcoming babies
- Those struggling with mental health
- Those who have lost family members
Zima Out.
Bevo, since we didn’t finish, can I keep the keys so we can try the beatdown again?
